Beer Wars: Operation Pork Scratching - The aftermath

At 0100 hours local time on Saturday 21st May 2011, the black operation, codename 'Operation Pork Scratching' ended in total victory.



"Viva la alcoholism!"

Locals and troops alike celebrated as Prime Minister Cameron himself hailed the operation as a total success.

In a speech similar to that of the late Winston Churchill, the cherry faced PM stated;



"Never in the history of afternoon sessions was so much drank by so many in so few hours"

Mission Recap

The Mission Objective:

In a gruelling, near 5 mile route into the heart of darkness that is Compton and Finchfield, troops must navigate the wilds of the west-side pubs and make it back into the centre of Wolverhampton in one piece (and of course, neck loads of ale on route). Victory conditions are as previous - remain standing by the end of the campaign and make it to the exfiltration point. Failure is not an option.

The route:

Click on the image for the high resolution viewfinder:




Mission Log

Following the successful completion of Operation Pork Scratching, the MOD released the following timeline of events to the general media.

n.b. For information, The 'Beer Sniper', as referenced in the mission log below, refers to the stealthy enemy that stalks all beer war soldiers and threatens to eliminate them from the war-zone unexpectedly.

20/05/2011 1330hrs GMT

Bravo company (Cpt Cartwright & Cpt Mcfarland) convene at Allied Camp Chequerfield. Alpha Squadron, led by Cpt Bladon (aka the blade) proceed to the insertion point on foot from Allied Camp Bladon.

Bravo company face extreme difficulty in attempt to rendevous with Alpha squadron due to mechanical failures experienced by an ABC Countdown humvee. After unsuccessful attempts by the vehicle operator/useless cabbie at re-starting the choking machine, Cpts Mcfarland and Cartwright attempt an experimental pushstart on Stubbs Road. Largely due to the superhuman strength of Cpt Cartwright, and despite the obvious physical deficiencies of Cpt Mcfarland, the attempt is successful and the convoy continues on to its primary destination.

20/05/2011 1345hrs GMT

Alpha squadron faces potentially mission threatening circumstances at the insertion point. Checkpoint 1, 'Bird in Hand' is closed till 1500hrs!


Suspicious activity by unknown locals in the adjacent car port leads Alpha squadron to suspect terrorist-like activity is afoot. Acting quickly, Cpt Bladon contacts Cpt Mcfarland to confirm re-route to the secondary objective point - the Royal Oak. Evading the dodgy locals, Alpha squad makes a successful retreat.

20/05/2011 1400hrs GMT

Alpha Squadron and Bravo Company make initial contact at Checkpoint 2 - 'The Royal Oak'. Tactical engagement of the amber nectar begins.

CHECKPOINT 2 (THE ROYAL OAK) SUMMARY:



Beer: Excellent selection of real ale. Blinding pint!

Pissers: Not attended

Conversation Highlights: "Does half a viagra give you half an erection?"

Locals-watch: Suspicious but compromising. Presence of bartender with Brother Caedfael hairstyle noted.

20/05/2011 14:25hrs GMT

Accidental removal of beer glasses from premises invokes the wrath of the locals. Beer glasses returned. Hasty retreat ensues.

20/05/2011 14:30hrs GMT

Troops march to Checkpoint 3 - The Swan. No reported sights of the Beer Sniper - potentially too early for such an ambush.

CHECKPOINT 3 (THE SWAN)SUMMARY:



Beer: Absolute top quality ale - campaign highlight. First boondoggle skirmish.

Pissers: Straight out of 'Life on Mars'. Rank

Conversation Highlights: How offensive is the term 'Donkey raping shit eater' to those in earshot?

Locals-watch: Seemingly hostile. Bar poster stating "fit in or fuck off" is prominent.


20/05/2011 15:00hrs GMT

Short hike to adjacent checkpoint 4 - The Oddfellows. Cpt Mcfarland begins to experiences his first symptoms of bladder weakness. Emergency pissstop upon entry to checkpoint 4 is necessary. A scheduled ration stop is aborted as the food looks pricey and 'well shit'.

CHECKPOINT 4 (THE ODDFELLOWS) SUMMARY:



Beer: More Boondoggle - but tastes like filth. Chain pubs suck arse at doing good beer - FACT.

Pissers: Elegant. Top notch hand-dryers and good quality urinal cakes.

Conversation Highlights: Cpt Hargreaves' adventures in Iraq.

Locals: Highstreet retail merchant-esque staff and random pub diners. Distinctly nonthreatening.

20/05/2011 15:30 GMT (possibly)

More squad members follow Cpt Mcfarland's lead and succumb to early bladder deficiencies - although Cpt Mcfarland exceeds all piss-per-pub records with 3 individual trips in checkpoint 4 (honestly, considering his size, he must have a bladder the size of an apricot).

Levels of merriment are decidedly increasing. A cameo appearance from legendary beer-wars soldier Sgt Chris 'take it like a boss' Watabiki is met with a chorus of cheering.

Checkpoint 5 is only accessible via a steep climb, which serves to heighten the wobbliness of certain squad members.

CHECKPOINT 5 (THE WESTACRES) SUMMARY:



Beer: Better than checkpoint 4 but still lacking the quality of earlier beverages..

Pissers: Operating at a humidity comparable to the Burmese jungle. No need to use the pisser at all, as all bodily liquids have evaporated before you've even got to the urinal.

Conversation Highlights: Muted due to extensive quizzo playing and the arrival of rations.

Local-watch: Staffed by young females who are oddly unamused by beer driven bravado and cheeky semi-drunken banter. All punters scarper, suggesting our presence is starting to have a negative effect on our surrounding environment. 'Hearts and minds' campaign seemingly failing.

20/05/2011 Late afternoon(ish) GMT....

Fully fed and watered, troops march on to checkpoint 6 - 'The Chestnut'. This area was considered to be a possible early beer sniper ambush point - no confirmed sightings were made though. Upon entry, an elderly lady, is being comforted by sympathetic locals in the corner. She appears to have forgotten who she is and where she is from. The true human cost of the horrors of beer-war are evident in this doddering biddy.

Concerns now increase for the stricken Cpt Mcfarland, who can barely make the hikes between checkpoints without needing to nip off to find a suitable location to evacuate his bladder.

Checkpoint 6 marks the location of the first leg of the epic pool table tournament between Cpts Cartwright and Hickens. 3 wins to Cartwright ensures an early lead.

CHECKPOINT 6 (THE CHESTNUT) SUMMARY:



Beer: All starting to taste the same.

Pissers: Memories starting to fade.

Conversation Highlights: Cpt Hickens - "Could I be done for manslaughter if I accidentally hit the beerwar-ravaged pensioner in the noggin with a miscued pool ball?"

Local-watch: The care being paid to the confused pensioner suggests a socialist ideology at work.

20/05/2011 Christ knows GMT

Having passed the mission mid point and now moderately intoxicated, troops embark on the longest checkpoint to checkpoint trek. A sudden course-correction is agreed and checkpoint 7 - 'The Bradmore Arms' is bypassed - this eliminates further danger of an appearance from the beer sniper. The squadron moves directly to checkpoint 8 'The Chindit Arms'.

20/05/2011 Later than before

Marked as a potential hot spot due to the lack of available tactical reconnaissance information, troops are pleased to discover that the Chindit is actually NOT a western saloon occupied by cattle rustlers and no-good bandits. A well kept pool table allows for the 2nd leg of the Cartwright/Hickens contest. Despite an early comeback, Cartwright wins the overall series 4-2.

CHECKPOINT 8 (THE CHINDIT INN) SUMMARY:



Beer: Necked.

Pissers: Could have pissed in the sink for all I know.

Conversation Highlights: Paul's 'Willy Thorne-esque' commentary of the final pool match.

Local-watch: Initially suspicious, but troop contact made with an old acquaintance of Cpt Cartwright settles the locals down.

32/07/2011 Friday(ish) GMT

Mission end in sight. Approach to Ho-Chi Minh/Wolverhampton City Centre commences. First outlying checkpoint - 'The Combermere Arms'

Sourcing a pack of playing cards, Cpt Hargreaves attempts to teach the game of Bridge to the troops. This endeavour is ultimately unsuccessful as the campaign has served to degrade the cognitive abilities of the soldiers.

CHECKPOINT 9 (THE COMBERMERE ARMS) SUMMARY:



Beer: Combermere beer top notch as always.

Pissers: Outdoor. Urinal - Check. Cubicle - Check. Sink - Check. Tree growing through the middle of the bogs - Check.

Conversation Highlight:

Cpt Cartwright: "If I play this hand do I win then?"
Cpt Hargreaves: "For the third time - No!"

Locals: Sympathetic to war ravaged Allied Beer Soldiers.


Sunny Evening-time GMT

First troop casualties. Cpt Sandhu and Cpt Hickens are both allowed medical evac from missus units.

Remaining squad members struggle on final checkpoint 10. Cpt Mcfarland, having temporarily recovered from perpetual bladder weakness is charged with retrieving the new recruit Private Stoten from Wolverhampton Air Base/Train Station.

A bit later....

Remaining troops arrive at the final checkpoint - 'The Clarendon Arms'

CHECKPOINT 10 (THE CLARENDON ARMS) SUMMARY:



Beer: Liquid

Pissers: Blurry

Conversation Highlight: Singing 'Roxanne' in high pitched voices with complete strangers in small beer garden.

Locals: drunken crooners

Dark now GMT

All Operation Pork Scratching checkpoints successfully conquered. Troops move on to the debrief point 'the Giffard'.

At this point further intel is interrupted due to possible EMP use, chemical terrorism and/or excessive alcohol consumption. Only brief extracts of the remaining events are available:

1) Cpt Bladon sitting on a gothic throne
7) Cpt Stoten arrives
3) Someone takes a photograph
9) Cpt Bladon sitting on a gothic throne
4) We briefly move to an unrecorded checkpoint - The Hogshead.
4) Cpt Bladon sitting on a gothic throne
4) Cpt Dutton reveals long lost brother
5) Cpt Bladon attempts psychological coercion of local females.
23) Cpt Cartwright talks to someone he knows but doesn't remember who.
1) and Cpt Bladon sitting on a gothic throne:



On a final note, we are sad to inform you, that upon reaching the Checkpoint 11 mission debrief point (for the 2nd time), the Beer Sniper finally emerged and shot Cpt Cartwright, causing him to keel over and become semi-conscious.



He is said to be in a critical but stable condition. Our thoughts are with his toilet.

Mission Statistics

Number of Checkpoints conquered: 9 + 1 additional
Total Military Personnel: 8
Casualties incurred prior to debrief point: 2
Beer Sniper Victims: 1

Recommendations have been made to the top brass to honour our gallant heroes as follows:

For distinguishing themselves in the art of talking absolute, prolonged bullshit:

• Cpt Richard Bladon - Victoria Cross
• Cpt Steven Cartwright - Victoria Cross
• Cpt Baz Sandhu - Victoria Cross
• Cpt Paul Dutton - Victoria Cross

For exceeding his record in the honourable field of 'most pisses per pub':

• Cpt James Mcfarland - George Cross

For being the only soldier actually wearing combat fatigues:

• Cpt Richard Bladon - George Cross (& GQ Men's beer-crawl fashion award)
  

For mastering the arcane skills of fruit machines

• Cpt Paul Dutton - Purple heart/Cherry/Lemon

For maintaining decorum in the face of losing a pool series:

• Cpt James Hickens - Elizabeth Cross

For services for the noble art of teaching Bridge to pissheads:

• Cpt Karl Hargreaves - Distinguished Service Order

----------END OF LOG ----------


Till the next mission - keep fighting the good fight!

Gaming for the uninitiated

I'll start with a question.

Which of the following people are computer gamers?



Answer: All of the above.

Yes, that's right, all of the above - Although I'm sure you initially thought it was Person A.

Person A in fact, is Tyson and he likes to murder prostitutes and steal their money on Grand Theft Auto IV. Person B, Barbara, prefers to stab unsuspecting people in the back before riddling their still writhing corpses with machine gun fire on Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. Finally, Person C, Timothy, likes to create outrageously fabulous costumes for sackboy on Little Big Planet.

That's right people - gaming has gone mainstream. No longer is it the last respite of the damned, bespectacled, pale skinned and nerdy. No, it has now invaded the lives of just about every person in the developed world.

Only recently, I overheard a conversation between two elderly(ish) ladies during which the phrase 'Dead Space 2' was mentioned several times. Stunned and intrigued, my ears perked up to intercept the fact that one of the ladies was buying an x-box game of this name for her grandson and was imparting some rudimentary knowledge of the subject to her acquaintance.

For the uninitiated, Dead Space 2 is what is known as a 'survival horror story' game. In the game, you assume the role of a chap trying to escape from a zombie infested space station.
In essence, survival horror story games of this type are much akin to fairground ghost trains in that you follow a predetermined 'track' whilst repeatedly being accosted by all manner of illuminous plastic monsters and minimum wage carnies with nothing better to do than terrify already frightened children.



My point is that recently, games have crossed the void into the popular consciousness. Unfortunately though, for people who are trying to decipher this arcane world of noobs, spawn-rapers, XP whores and spammers, it can be a daunting journey.

So, for those of you wishing to dip your toes into these virtual waters, the following should give you a well rounded induction into the world of 'gaming'.

So what is Gaming then?

'Gaming' as a standalone term, is the description of the hobby/pass time of playing computer/video games. In this sense, Gaming does not refer to the enjoyment of scrabble, cluedo, trivial pursuit or indeed any other non computer based entertainment form. Nor should it be confused with anything to do with hunting Deer, Pheasants or Grouse.



The term 'Gamer' is a reference used to describe those people who actively participate in the playing of computer games.

More recently, there has been an influx of people who claim to be gamers, but have in actual fact merely been duped by the marketing machine and have bought into the new phenomenon of 'family gaming'. Family Gaming is usually achieved by means of a device that requires the player to perform complex bodily motions to accomplish goals. Such games are usually played in the company of others and often lead to much hilarity all round.

For most people wishing to get a taste of playing computer games, 'family gaming' is probably the best thing to start with. Unfortunately, barring the odd exception, the games available are usually fairly basic and repetitive. The exertion factorinvolved in family gaming can also lead to real life physical injury or structural damage - which really defeats the purpose of gaming in the first place!



True gaming is somewhat different. For a start, no level of physical exertion is required whatsoever. A gamer need only pivot their fingers and thumbs in order to achieve the full gaming experience.




The games themselves are usually more complex and require a larger investment of time and emotion from the gamer. People have literally changed into snarling, feverish mutants in the pursuit of success in some of the more involved 'true' games.




Got it! So where do I start?

In order to participate in the hobby of 'gaming', you will require a game playing device - known more commonly as a computer games console. You can also use a regular computer (PC) to enjoy gaming, but to be honest, for a beginner, this would be like Stephen Hawking attempting to ascend Mount Everest with little more than a penknife and a cigarette lighter for climbing gear.

Upon attempting to acquire a game playing device, spotty teenagers in high street computer games retail shops will often try to confuse you with complex jargon.



Ignore their otherworldly lingo and know that there are only two devices you would require in order to begin your gaming odyssey.

1) Microsoft X-Box 360 (xbox)



2) Sony Playstation 3 (ps3)



Now, I could bang on here about the pros and cons of each device, but it's been done to death (x-box vs PS3). All that needs saying is that both are pretty similar and the only really important difference is that some games available for one device are not available for the other.

If cost is important to you, the x-box is a bit cheaper but as you end up having to buy loads of additional shit for it, in the end both devices probably work out around the same price all in.

What about the Wii you might be asking?

Nintedo Wii




Well, the Wii is one of the aforementioned 'family gaming' devices. The makers of the Wii (Nintendo) have proven pedigree in the world of gaming, but they know as well as I do that the Wii is just an almighty cash cow and has provided a way for them to approach previously untapped areas of the potential gamer market, such as grandparents, uncles and mother-in-laws.



Both Sony and Microsoft have copied this innovation and designed devices that replicate the family gaming experience on their respective gaming devices, but they will both be fully aware that this merely a diversion from the business of true gaming.

Too many games!

So now that you have purchased either a PS3 or an x-box, what do you do? Well, you buy a game for it.

There are literally thousands of games out there, the majority of which are utter shite. There are however, also some real gems that should appeal to many people. You will be told, again from spotty teenage shop retailers about many different types of games that exist It is true, just like in books, films and music, there are many genres. However there are only really 4 types of games:

1. 'Tell me a story' games
2. 'Beat the game' games
3. 'Beat the crap out of other people' games
4. 'Build stuff' games

1. 'Tell me a story' Games

'Tell me a story' games are exactly what they 'say on the tin'. Just like books, good 'tell me a story' games are few and far between, but if you find a good one you get hooked.

The very best 'tell me a story' games are arguably some of the finest games ever made and although often quite short, are often cinematically on par with some of the great screen blockbusters.

'Tell me a story' games as are well structured and have a beginning, a middle and an end. You generally adopt the role of one or more protagonists - and will experience some amount of character development/character arc during the course of the game. They are littered with dramatic interludes between action based set pieces - again, very similar to books and films.

If the classic Dickens novel, Oliver Twist was a 'tell me a story' game rather than a book, you would probably take the role of young Oliver and be required to pickpocket unsuspecting people on the streets of London in order to increase your THIEVING BASTARD ability and thus progress through the story.



'Tell me a story' games have benefited from advancements in technology more than the other game types, as they are now able to look and feel more realistic than ever before. Although, like most things, the very best 'tell me a story' games are truly timeless.

In my opinion the three best 'tell me a story' games of all time are as follows:

3) Red Dead Redemption (2010)



A relatively new addition to the gaming world (2010), Red Dead Redemption is a truly brilliant game.

You adopt the role of a cowboy in the old west who has reformed from his previously wicked ways. Throughout the game you must indulge in a variety of wild-west style tasks, such as cattle herding, gun fighting and horse rustling.

The main arc of the story involves you tracking down and killing members of your old gang, who double crossed you and left you for dead.

HIGHLIGHT: Using the 'dead eye' aiming system to slow time and pepper a pesky coyote with rifle bullets, before dismounting your horse to skin the felled beast.

2) Metal Gear Solid series (1998-2009)



There are several Metal Gear Solid games, so i'll group them as one. The plot of the series is too convoluted to fully describe to here - suffice to say it's quite epic. You are placed in the shoes of a crack-commando super soldier who must attempt to avert a variety of catatrophes such as, but not exclusively, nuclear war, giant robots and armies of genetically enhanced clones...oooooh!

The game requires you to be a sneaky motherfucker and complete your objectives whilst remaining unnoticed. To aid you in your subterfuge, you are given a set of very handy espionage tools and an arsenal of high-tech weaponery.

HIGHLIGHT: Being spotted and chased by a sentry guard only to evade detection by hiding underneath a cardboard box.

1) Final Fantasy VII (1997)



There have been quite a few final fantasy games before and after no7, but needless to say, Final Fantasy 7 is the greatest of them all. The story is epic on a near unparellelled level. Your protagonist, Cloud, begins his career as a low level freedom fighter, but by the end of the game, our hero is striving to save the planet from giant comets, city sized monsters and a very scary Japanese looking dude with a giant sword (ooh err).

Like any great novel, it's got the classic mix of heroes, villians, a twist of romance and some daring escapades. There is even an unexpected death of one of the game's main characters to really pull at the gamer's heartstrings.

It's a bit of an oldie now, being released back in 1997, but it's sheer scale still helps it stand out as the greatest 'tell me a story' game ever made.

HIGHLIGHT: The fabled death scene which leaves you distraught and demanding justice!

Other notable titles: Grand Theft Auto 4, God of War, Uncharted, Gears of War, Resident Evil, Castlevania, Fallout 3, The Elder Scrolls, Half Life 2, Legend of Zelda, Dead Space.


2. 'Beat the game' Games

'Beat the game' games were some of the first games invented. There will sometimes be a tenuous storyline to support the game, but it is never necessary - and rarely qualifies them to be classed in the category of 'story games'. Unfortunately, they are also a dying breed, as improvements in technology and the advent of online gaming has given presidence to the other types of games I describe.

They are usually single player games that require the gamer to strive to reach the highest level they possibly can and/or to complete the game in its entirety, be it through solving problems, completing repetitive objectives or defeating enemies. The catch is that the better you perform as a gamer, the more difficult the puzzles/objectives/enemies become.

Some 'beat the game' games are actually infinite in length. This may sound ironic, but these sorts of games are usually so incredibly addictive that it doesn't really matter to the gamer anyway.

'Beat the game' games are also pretty much timeless. They do not tend to suffer from the ravages of age as they were not necessarily designed to beat the cutting edge of technology, rather to be at the cutting edge of addictiveness. And addictive they are.

Despite being the rarer type these days, top notch 'Beat the game' games inspire an almost religious level of dedication from their followers - with some of the earliest incarnations still being played by the masses today. To get a real sense of this almost surreal dedication, watch the greatest video game documentary ever made - The King of Kong.

On with the list.....

3) Pacman (1980)



A candidate for the trippiest game in history, Pacman is the classic tale of a floating yellow mouth that embarks on a quest to eat fruit whilst avoiding ghosts. Pacman has been drawing crowds for 30 years with it's simple cat and mouse maze based gameplay.

HIGHLIGHT: Eating a cherry and giving those damn ghosts what for. "Have that you supernatural bastards!"

2) Tetris (1989)



Russian dance music is combined with a mind numbingly addictive block building puzzle to create a modern classic. In typical 'beat the game' game style, it gets harder and harder as you continue to play it - reflected beautifully by the ever increasing tempo of one of the most memorable music tracks in the history of gaming.

HIGHLIGHT: Finding the perfect space for that nuisance L shaped block and clearing 3 lines in one shot. Magic.

1) Donkey Kong (1981)



The original love triangle between a plumber, a princess and a massive ape. The rules are simple, use the plumber's olympian agility to repeatedly traverse wobbly platforms whilst avoiding barrels that are being chucked at you by a pesky primate.

HIGHLIGHT: Getting hold of the mallet and smashing the shit out of those deadly barrels.

Other notable titles: Super Mario Bros, Pong, Sonic the Hedgehog, Gauntlet, Asteroids, Space Invaders, Braid, Doom.

3. 'Beat the crap out of other people' games

These games are all about competition. 'Beat the crap out of other people' games will often have elements of 'tell me a story' games and of 'beat the game' games, but ultimately there is only one purpose for playing them. Get good at it and wallop the fuck out of your mates/random Americans.

It is the mark of an avid gamer to have at least one game where they possess the skills necessary to crush any opposition facing them. In the early days, such opposition was sought in communal gaming arcades . I am just about old enough to remember when this was the case.

In my hometown of Wolverhampton, legend tells of an old 'Street Fighter II' machine that was situated in a chip shop on Broad Street.


View Larger Map



Youngsters would turn up on a daily basis to challenge the resident champion - a young mixed race chap with the reactions of steroid ridden mongoose. People came from far and wide to vye for his prestigious title of 'champion of the chip shop'. I heard that he remained unbeaten until the day the machine was removed. Where is he now? Who knows. I'd like to think that he might be using his powers for good elsewhere in the world - fighting the righteous battle and all that. Truth is, he's probably the same chap that keeps asking me for spare change when i stumble out of the local hostelry - still he had his moment in the sun.

With the advent of home gaming, came the opportunity for regular challenges against known opposition - i.e. your mates. Impromptu ranking systems would form, winner stays on challenges were standard and trash talking was rife. As the generations have passed, the games have changed, but one thing remains constant, the sheer delight of watching your fellow man crumble in defeat.

I have participated in competitive gaming matches during my student days, where bets were made on the outcome and near riots broke out amongst drunken students as a result of dodgy goings-on. Another story for another day perhaps.....

'Beat the crap out of other people' games have entered a new phase in recent years with the introduction of online gaming. The main drawback of course, is that you can no longer witness the decimation of your opponents first hand, but the clear advantage is that an entire world of competion has opened up, and those wishing to can now test their metal against the world's best gamers. Those with the inclination and the time to practice can become living room based world beaters. I find no shame (well not much) in admitting that I reached dizzying heights in becoming the 87th best player in the world at Burnout Paradise several years ago - a feat which in ancient times would surely have seen me showered with gold and other riches.

The list please maestro.....

3) Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare (2007)



Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare (often known as COD) has become a global phenomenon. I'm convinced that it is a ploy by the US government to militarise children and thus keep the war machine stocked with potential cannon fodder for its war of (on?) terror. Whatever it roots, COD has utilised the development of online gaming to produce possibly the most competitive online gaming battles the world has ever seen.

The premise is simple, you choose a set of weapons, start a game and shoot the crap out of anything that moves. When the dust clears, the person who has killed the most opponents is victorious. Its strength is also in its Class-A powers of addiction. In short, players need to keep playing continuously in order to win better weapons and earn medals that signify their superiority over their fellow gamers.

HIGHLIGHT: Killing several people in a row and receiving the temporary use of an attack helicopter with which you can rain down a volley of death on your foes. Grrrr! Aggression!

2) Pro Evolution Soccer series (2001-PRESENT)



The Pro Evolution Soccer series (a.k.a PES, a.k.a, Pro-Evo, a.k.a I.S.S) were the greatest ever computer simulation football games. In recent years the Pro-Evo series has 'gone off the boil', mainly due to better competitor games and its failure to properly adapt to online gaming. In its heyday though, it was unrivalled as a 'beat the crap out of other people' game. It took the flowing, counter-attacking style of real football and zapped it into video game format.

Pro-Evo was a game you played with your mates after a few beers. Fuelled by the confidence of alcohol you were empowered with the skill of Diego Maradona, the vision of Johann Cruyff and the striking prowess of Gabriel Batistuta. Victory was sweet, defeat was crushing and revenge was definitely a dish best served cold.

HIGHLIGHT: Pulling off a perfectly timed marseille roulette on your opponent, before running on and hammering in a 30 yard wonder strike. Priceless.

1) Street Fighter II: the World Warrior (1991)



The original king of the 'beat em ups', Street Fighter II marked the true dawn of hardcore competitive gaming. Given the use of eight virtual combatants from every corner of the globe, you engaged in a best of 3 rounds punch up. Memorising a vast swathe of 'special moves' and executing perfectly timing combinations of punches, kicks and jumps, you were required to pummel your opponent until their energy bar was depleted.

Street Fighter II only narrowly pre-dated good quality, widely purchased home gaming systems when it first arrived, so in a way it also marked the swansong of old fashioned communal arcade gaming.

It's timeless roster of characters has lived on in the many sequels that followed.



HIGHLIGHT: Repeatedly using the same move to win (this is known as spamming) until such a point as your opponent throws their controller down in anger and accuses you of cheating.

Other notable titles: Mario Kart, Mortal Kombat, WWE Smackdown, Gran Turismo, Wipeout, HALO, Tiger Woods Golf, Virtua Tennis, EA Figh-tnight, Tekken, Virtua Fighter, Soul Calibur, UFC Unleashed, Counterstrike, Battlefield.

4) Build Stuff Games

'Build stuff' games are a fairly niche form of gaming designed expressly for creative types, control freaks and meglomaniacs.

They generally involve detailed design and management elements, be it in the form of creating and managing a league winning football team, commanding a military campaign, developing a fictional hospital or even designing an entire world.

Build stuff games are best played on an actual computer rather than a computer games console, mainly due to the extensive point and click requirements that lend themselves more efficiently to mouse and keyboard control. But as I said earlier, the novice gamer would struggle to traverse the complexities of PC based gaming, so it might be advisable to use a console all the same.

In essence, they are often quite similar to 'beat the game' games, but the fundamental difference is that with a 'build stuff' game, the requisite skills are creativity, planning and strategic thinking rather than lightning quick reactions and top notch hand eye coordination. For this reason they can truly be described as the thinking person's game type.

Here's some of the best:

3) Little Big Planet (2009)



Little Big Planet is the most suitable game for Art and Design Students. The veneer of this game is a simple run and jump between platforms game, such as Sonic the Hedgehog or Super Mario Bros. But this belies an deep an multilayered core dedicated to design freedom. Using the toolset, you can quite literally plan and create an entire game full of different styled chracters, backgrounds, playing surfaces and obstacles. As a recent game that utilises online play, you are then able to share your creations with the wider population.

HIGHLIGHT: The introduction by Stephen Fry.

2) Sid Meier's Civilisation series (1991-PRESENT)



This is exactly as described. Create a civilsation, feed it, shelter it, grow it, help it discover new technology and then go and wage war on your neighbours, plunder their natural resources and subject their population to abject poverty and/or slavery. Nothing like the real world at all....

HIGHLIGHT: Using the in game cheat, arming your civilisation with stealth bombers and nuclear submarines and attacking your neighbouring civilisatons before the poor buggers have even learned how to irrigate their land properly. Again, nothing like the real world at all.....

1) Championship Manager/Football Manager Series (1992-PRESENT)



Championship manager (now known as football manager) has quite literally ruined prosperous relationships and lost people their actual jobs. Again, the premise is simple - manage a football team. As the years have gone by, the micro-management tasks that the gamer must master has reached almost life like proportions.

Not only do you make signings, select your squad, and recruit your staff, you can now indulge in all manner and range of other tasks. Running a youth academy, developing a training programme and attending presss conferences are all now part and parcel of achieving success with your chosen team.

I genuinely think that gamers who have mastered the art of Championship Manager would be wholly able to suceed in a top flight managerial post in the Barclays Premier League.

HIGHLIGHT: Taking non league Rushden & Diamonds to the European Cup Final, and winning it in the 90th minute with a strike from the 24 year old Venuzuelan striker who you signed for a pittance when you were in league 2 and who is also now the world's most valuable player.



Other notable titles: Theme Park, SIM City, Command and Conquer, Age of Empires, Premier Manager, Theme Hospital, Populous.


Thus concludes our odyssey of all things 'gaming'. If you were a layman upon reading this, I hope you now feel better equipped to go forth into the gaming world with confidence and bravado.

But finally, a word of warning. If and when you do take your first tentative steps into the world of computer gaming, you should always remember that from across the vastness of cyberspace he waits for you, lurking in the shadows like a coiled cobra. He is the Lord of the Gamers - and he will beat you. Fear his mighty power.

The Mystery of the Mousse - Chapter 4 - 'To the Victor, the Spoils......'

Read Chapter 3

Chapter 4 - To the Victor go the spoils.....

There it was. Incontrovertible and indisputable. The 7 of clubs.

A quiet resignation swept over Mr G, and he slumped back into his chair. Defeated, he let out a sigh before placing his hands over his face.



The Victim leapt out of his chair and punched the air in triumph.



"I've done it!" he proclaimed jubilantly. "I've really done it!"

Mr G didn't reply. He simply stared at the floor. Mr C, still passed out on the floor, twitched suddenly, as if in acknowledgement of the result, but then resumed his drunken slumber.

"Where is it?" asked the Victim sternly. Mr G, without looking up, simply pointed across to the mantelpiece.

"There it is. Take it and leave this place!" Mr G barked at him.

"I will be doing exactly that G. The mousse is mine and I will use it for great things"

The Victim walked over to the great stone fireplace, where the Dairy Milk Chocolate Mousse was resting. He looked admiringly at it, almost in awe of it. Looking back across the room he saw Mr G staring blankly out of the window at the stormy night sky.

"Come now, G. No hard feelings" said the Victim compassionately. "All's fair in mousses and war! You needn't worry about it. It'll be safe with me"

"I know" replied G, "but it's going to be hard to part with it, that's all".

All the tension of the evening had rested heavily on the Victim. He suddenly felt the need for a smoke to ease his stress.

"Mr G!" proclaimed the Victim suddenly. "Why don't you join me out on the veranda for a cigarette. I don't know about you, but I could do with some air".

"No, you go on Victim. I think I'll wait here a while".

The Victim strolled out of the games room and back onto the veranda in the courtyard, where the challenge had originally been made. He took out a cigarette and lit it. As he drew the thick smoke into his lungs, he felt a sense of ease and his thoughts turned to the future.



He would use the mousse for great things. With it, he felt that he could achieve anything. Its power and influence would be sure to bring him much wealth and glory. A sense of euphoria enveloped him as he pictured this bright future.



Upon finishing the cigarette, he flicked it nonchalantly out into the middle of the courtyard and watched its orange glow perish as the rain fell on it.

Turning around, he walked back into the games room, where a strange site met him.

Mr C, who just moments ago seemed utterly incapacitated, was sitting bolt upright in one of the mahogany chairs.

"You recovered quickly" stated the victim, taken aback by this sudden change in circumstances.

Mr C just sniggered at him and looked to Mr G who had a mischievous grin on his face.



"What are you two up to?" asked the Victim, now rather perturbed by the expressions on the faces of his vanquished foes.

"Nothing. Nothing at all", chirped Mr G, sarcastically.

"Hmm, well I'll be going now I think" replied the Victim, cautiously. "Again, no hard feelings, eh?"

"Oh, none at all" responded Mr C. "None at all!"

The victim turned to the fireplace to go and collect his prize. As he approached it, he noticed the wondrous Dairy Milk Chocolate Mousse looked slightly different to before. Its lid was slightly torn. As he picked it up, he noticed that it felt unnaturally light in weight. He tentatively, peeled a fraction of the lid back to take a peek at the wondrous content that laid within.

What he saw at that moment would have driven any man to the edge of despair. What he saw would reverberate around his mind for the rest of his natural life. He saw....

Absolutely nothing.












The Dairy Milk Chocolate Mousse had been defiled. Its contents stripped bare and violated. The pot that once housed the sweet, light, chocolaty goodness was now barren and lifeless.

"Aaaaahhhhhh!!". The victim cried out painfully.



"Who did this? Where is it? What fucking happened?"

His gaze turned back towards Mr G and Mr C, who were both laughing like jackals.



"Which one of you...." shouted the Victim, struggling to form his words, "....did this??"

Mr G and Mr C both pointed at each other, and said, simultaneously.....

"Him!"

It was clear that in a fit of mad jealously and rage, one of the two had taken it upon themselves to desecrate the mousse and extinguish its power forever. Truly an act of selfish madness.

The victim ran screaming from the villa, out into the dark stormy night. His life would never again have meaning.





Mr G simply turned to Mr C and said.

"Stick the PlayStation on. I'll kick your arse at Pro-Evo".

Wolverhampton Blackjack

The arcane game of Wolverhampton Blackjack is not, as most people might assume, anything like the classic casino card game where players aim to make a total count of 21 from the cards that they are dealt.

In Wolverhampton Blackjack, a maximum of 7 players can participate. Each player is initially given 7 cards. The remaining deck is put to one side and will be used when players need to pick up further cards. One card is played face up as the communal card, which the next card laid down must follow on from.

The main aim is for players for them to get rid of their cards as quickly as possible by making sequences/runs of cards that follow on from the communal card.

For instance, if the communal card is a four of clubs, then the following player will need to place another four or another card of the same suit:

The forfeit for being unable to place a card is the requirement to pick up another card from the remainder of the deck. When the deck is emptied, the cards in the 'communal card' pile are turned over, with the exception of the current communal card, and they then become the new 'deck' from which players take their forfeit cards.

All cards put down by the player are placed face-up on top of the current communal card. The final card the player puts down will then become the next communal card.

Sequences allowing a player to place more than one card can be made by playing further cards of the same value, or by creating runs where you can place a card valued one number higher but matches the suit of the current communal card.

The first player to offload all of his/her cards will be declared the winner. The last will be known as the loser and forever mocked or made to complete a forfeit (such as putting a brew on)

To hamper opponents, certain cards have 'special' properties' which affect the state of play. Should a player lay one of these cards down as the final card of his turn, the following player may be adversely affected:

Special Cards:

2s - the following player must pick up two cards from the unused deck, which they must add to his existing hand.
8s - in a game with more than two people, 8 makes the following player miss a turn - unless they can produce another 8.
Black Jacks- Laying down the eponymous blackjack forces the following player to pick up 5 cards to add to their hand.
Red Jacks - Cancels out the requirement to pick cards up. A card to be kept for protection
Queens - In a game of two or more players, a queen reverses the direction of play
Kings - Allows the player to have another go before their turn is finished
Aces - Allows the player to change the suit that the following player needs to choose. Can be placed on any card.

The Blackjack Bust.

Blackjacks and 2s can be played together in sequence. In such cases the pickup amounts are added together. As there are two black-jacks and four 2s, a player could potentially be forced to pick up a maximum of 18 cards.

Should a player be facing a pick up, but has another 2 or another blackjack, they can pass on the pick up requirement to the next player along long with the added value of the card that they used too.

Red-Jacks are used to cancel out any pickups a player may be facing, so are worth hanging on to.


So that's Wolverhampton Blackjack 'in a nutshell'. If you can follow these rules, give it a go.

The Mystery of the Mousse - Chapter 3 - 'Game on'

Read Chapter 2

CHAPTER 3 - 'Game on'

Taking to their seats, the tension in the room was palpable. A bead of sweat trickled down the cheek of Mr C. The Victim's eyes darted to and fro, trying to sense any signs of weakness in his opponents. Mr G seemed calm, but his apparent resolve belied a rapidly beating heart and a feeling of intense fear.


"Shall we begin?" Mr G asked. "Or do you ladies need to powder your noses before we start?" he chortled mockingly, in an effort to appear cool and calm.

"Just get on with it G!" barked the Victim, clearly in no mood for such banter.

"Hang on a minute" interrupted Mr C. "We can't start without a drink!"

Mr C walked across to the bar and began to survey the stock. He was known to enjoy a good tipple, and wouldn't have felt comfortable carrying on the game without a stiff drink.



"Whiskey? I don't think so. Vodka? Not tonight. Tequila? Mayb.....Hang on! What's this??"

Mr C's gaze fell upon the strange looking bottle of red liquid labelled ' The Aftershock'

"Now this looks interesting!" he declared.

"That's dangerous stuff" shouted Mr G from across the room. "I've seen what that grog can do to people!"

Nevertheless, Mr C was already returning to the table with the bottle and three shot glasses.



He sat down and poured a thimbles worth of the bright liquid into each glass. Vapour swirled around the top of each glass.

"Thirty second challenge anyone?" challenged Mr C.

The thirty second challenge was a tradition amongst this group of friends. It involves the drinking of an alcoholic substance, with various stages involved in the consumption. The first stage, 'the hold' lasts ten seconds, and requires the drinker to keep perfectly still and retain the fiery liquid in their mouth. The second stage, 'the swill' demands that the drinker slosh their drink around their mouth to enhance the flavour - this too, lasts ten seconds. The final ten second stage, 'the shake' is the most rigorous, as the participant must shake their head violently for another 10 seconds before finally swallowing the whole lot.

Following these rules 'to the letter', each one of the three friends took a swig of the red firewater.

"Bloody Hell!" spluttered the Victim. "That's some strong shit!"

"You're telling me" replied Mr C, his face contorted by the bitter aftertaste of his drink.

"Are we rreeady then?" slurred Mr G, recoiling from his shot.

As the game of blackjack got underway, Mr C poured himself another glass of the demon drink. He figured his ability to out drink his opponents would give him a clear advantage.

"Pick up 5, ya fucker!" Shouted Mr C, as he casually threw down a black-jack prior to Mr G's turn. The drink was clearly making him aggressive.



"I don't think so!" snorted Mr G as he cancelled the move with a red-jack. "I'm too slick for your tricks, C!"

"Not for mine though, eh G?" taunted the Victim as he placed a queen (to reverse the direction of play) followed by another blackjack and a two, which meant Mr G needed to pick up a total of 7 cards.

"Damn, you nearly got me" said Mr G with a smirk on his face. "But I have one more move left!"

Mr G then confidently turned over another 2. The result of this move meant that Mr C was now facing the possibility of picking up 9 cards. The rouse he had created had backfired on him!

"You lot are a bunch of cheating bastards!" barked Mr C, angrily.

The others just smiled as Mr C began counting out the cards he needed to take.

"Make sure you pick them all up now C!", scoffed Mr G.

Fifteen minutes passed. The game was entering a critical stage now. The Victim had only 3 cards remaining and Mr G had only 4. Mr C, who was drinking heavily now, had over 25 cards in his hand and things were looking bleak for him.

"Yous lot are fuckin' cheatsss!" slurred Mr C. "I don't like this game annyymorrre!"



Mr C wobbled around on his chair and fell, the aftershock had taken full hold on him and his game was over.



Mr G placed a king down, which allowed him another turn. He followed this with and 2 and 3 of hearts (a perfectly legal move). This left him on the cusp of victory with just one card left in his hand. He rapped the table with his knuckle, as was customary in the game of blackjack to announce an intention to win on the next turn.

The world suddenly faded around the Victim. All that was left was his cards, the table and the intent stare of Mr G, seemingly willing him into making the wrong move.




The Victim's hand twitched nervously. He was about to play two 5's, but knew if he finished on the suit that matched Mr G's remaining card, it would all be over.

Cautiously, he placed the 5 of hearts followed by the 5 of clubs - and he too, knocked on the table with his hand. Mr G smiled. Was the game over?

"Well, well Victim", said Mr G scornfully. "What do you think is going to happen now?"

"You....win?" asked the Victim, slowly accepting the impending defeat.

"No. I bloody don't you lucky swine!" hissed Mr G, his confidence fading.

Mr G's last remaining card had been a heart. If the Victim had have placed his cards in a different order, the game may have ended in defeat for him.

But now a wry smile crept onto the face of the Victim. Suddenly he began to laugh hysterically.

For the briefest of moments, the world stopped turning. The patter of the rain outside ceased and the snores of the incapacitated Mr C faded into the background. Indeed, time itself stopped to observe the Victim's next move. Slowly and assuredly, the Victim reached for his final card. If it was a club, the game would be over.........

To be Continued.........

Read Chapter 4

The Mystery of the Mousse - Chapter 2 - 'The Prize'

Read Chapter 1

CHAPTER 2 - 'The prize'

While the others retired to the games room to take their seats at the blackjack table, Mr G took a lantern and headed towards to villa's basement.



The weather had started to turn, and a distant rumble of thunder warned of an approaching storm. The wind in the courtyard was rattling against the villa's exterior gate and a few drops of rain had started to fall.



After a short walk across the courtyard and down a spiral flight of stone steps, Mr G came upon the cavernous room that was the Casa Del Pertone basement floor. The room smelled damp and the air was stale. Mr G glanced around at vast emptiness of the basement. The room had long since been cleared of all but it's most prized possession. And there it stood, at the far wall, a beacon of light an in a ocean of darkness - the fridge.



He had known that the fridge was in this room, but had not ventured in to see it for a while. However this time, he had a purpose. The time had arrived for him to lay his hands upon the most prized of all possessions.

Mr G approached the fridge reverently. His posture near a bow. The Fridge's power to corrupt was known to all who had layed eyes on it. The wonders that were kept inside have been plundered throughout history, but as always, when those wonders have been used and consumed, the thief is always driven to madness with the desire for more.



As he carefully opened the door, a ray of light fell upon him, blinding him momentarily. As his vision cleared, he saw the Dairy Milk chocolate mousse with his own eyes. A vision in purple plastic.



Slowly and carefully, he removed it from its chilled confines, defiantly slammed the fridge door shut and with purpose, he began to march back towards the staircase.

Meanwhile, in the games room, Mr C and 'the victim' had been relaxing in style. Like any good games room, the main lighting was dim, but the room was dotted with powerful lamps that illuminated key features in what was a hugely spacious area. The stuffed heads of deer and other game animals were mounted on every wall and a large, open stone fireplace provided the focal point of the entire room.

The bar in the corner was stocked with all manner of fine liquor, including a mysterious looking bottle of bright red liquid, known only as 'the aftershock'.



A full sized billiards table occupied the far wall and the card table, where the plot would unfold, was covered in the finest green felt and built of the sturdiest mahogany wood.



After much debate and discussion, Mr C was midway through a verbal demonstration of the correct use of the 'red-jack', when he was abruptly interrupted as the exterior games room door flung open.

The cold night air rushed in and a crack of lightning briefly illuminated the doorway to reveal Mr G, standing tall and holding aloft the Dairy Milk Chocolate Mousse.



"I have it!" announced Mr G. "Let us battle for the right to own it!"

The mantlepiece above the great open fireplace of the games room seemed like an appropriate location to house the prize in waiting, so Mr G set it down.

The others, who had not uttered a word since Mr G's arrival, stared longingly at the mousse, but knew that they would have to steel their nerves and focus their minds in order to possess it.

To be continued.......

Read Chapter 3