The Mystery of the Mousse - Chapter 1 - 'A lighthearted gathering'

In every society on Earth, great conspiracy theories arise from time to time. In recent history, in the US, questions have been raised regarding the truth behind the Kennedy assassination, Elvis' death and 9/11. Here in the UK, much cynicism ensued from the untimely demise of the Princess of Wales and we have long wondered, "what really happened to Shergar?"


In my own social circles, there lies a conspiracy that is now ten years in the making. It is known only as 'the mystery of the mousse'.

It is a simple tale, with just three protagonists. For the protection of those involved, no names will be disclosed, but mark my words - they know who they are! The following is a 'loose' adaptation of the events that unfolded on one fateful night back in the year 2000. It is a dark tale, of deceit, greed and betrayal.

CHAPTER 1 - 'A lighthearted gathering'

It had been an evening like many other. The enigmatic Mr G was hosting one his famous soirées at Casa del Pertone; a beautiful villa high up in the foothills of West Wolverhampton.



The first of the Mr G's guests, Mr C, was a wily character. A tall, heavyset gentleman, he was a man known for his love of fine cuisine and expensive wine. He had tendency to over indulge in the finer things and always enjoyed a good debate.

The second guest, known as the Victim, was a shorter man, but was a confident sort. He enjoyed these gatherings as the conversation was always diverse and engaging. He would often become very passionate when the topic steered towards matters of business and politics.

Mr G himself had lived in the Casa Del Pertone for several years. The grand villa had all the trappings a man could want. A large pool, several grand balconies and a full staff of cooks and cleaners and other servants.



Mr G enjoyed the lifestyle at the villa and would often stay awake until the early hours of the morning, smoking on the balcony and reflecting about the goings-on of the world. He shared the villa with his brother Mr D.

Mr D, who was presently away on business, had made a fortune investing in Billiard Halls. Mr G was never entirely sure where his brother could be found, but knew that he was most probably in the far flung reaches of Riley's Coast in Southern Wolverhampton, where his business' headquarters were located.

The night had gone unhindered thus far. An easy atmosphere and the sound of raucous laughter filled the rooms of the house. But unforeseen by all present, the mood was set to change and vile treachery would ensue.

Mr G and his guests decided to remove themselves to the veranda, to smoke fine cigars and discuss economic and political affairs.




But the conversation grew tiresome after a while, for such topics did not seem fitting for surroundings as serene and tranquil as those at Casa del Pertone.

Being men though, the talk soon turned to sport and competition. Tales of sporting conquests and past victories were exchanged, as each one of the three friends sought to outdo the next with bolder and more impressive stories.



Reaching a stalemate in their verbal battle, 'the victim' decided to make a suggestion that the friends should indulge in a touch of sport on that very eve.

"But what should sport would suffice for sophisticated gentleman such as ourselves?" asked the always etiquette conscious Mr C.

"Wolverhampton Blackjack!" retorted Mr G - for he considered himself a dab-hand at this game.



"A fine and suitable choice" stated Mr C.

Then it's agreed" replied 'the victim'. "Blackjack** it is".

"But we can't have a proper sport without a worthy prize!" proclaimed Mr C, insistently.

The banter paused momentarily, as the group stopped to consider what could make a worthwhile trophy for this sporting event.

"I have it!" shouted the victim excitedly. "You have here the ultimate prize right here at the Casa, G!"

"What is it?" replied Mr G, forgetting momentarily of the grand wonder that he knew resided deep in the catacombs of his very dwelling.

"Think about it!" said 'the victim' mockingly. "You know what I speak of. It is that which transcends money and power. It is beyond glory itself."

Mr C suddenly cried out, "No! Surely not the......"

"Yes!!" declared 'the victim', sensing his friend had realised the truth.

"But that's madness!!" said Mr G, who by now had also been confronted by the truth of the matter.

"Gentleman", 'the victim' interjected. "Fate has already decided it".

Nervous glances were exchanged between the others.

"We shall play for the Dairy Milk Chocolate Mousse!!!!"



To be continued....................

Click here to read Chapter 2

Choc-Finger

What I am about to tell you is not a new story, but it is one that has been largely removed from public attention - most probably due to the sheer panic that would be caused. As such, you may not be aware of it and I feel compelled to spread the word.

Now, you've all probably seen a James Bond film at some point. Perhaps you've mocked the pantomime villains and scoffed at their convoluted schemes of world domination.



You will surely have been comfortable in the knowledge that it is all merely a work of fiction.....That is until now!

Last year a dastardly plot was uncovered documenting one man's effort to join the ranks of the maniacal Bond villains.

What was the dastardly scheme of this scoundrel you ask? Only a trivial little matter of........

****cue dramatic pause****

Stealing the world's supply of chocolate!!!!!

*****cue evil laughter*******

But who would perpetrate such a heinous scheme? Show me the face of this vile rogue, I hear you cry:

NAME: Anthony Ward

A.K.A - Chocolate-Finger (seriously!)

'LEGITIMATE' BUSINESS: Armajaro Holdings (CC+ Hedge Fund Manager)

DASTARDLY SCHEME: To steal the world's supply of chocolate



The Plot

Anthony 'Chocolate-Finger' Ward had been slowly putting his plan together over the course of twelve years. Up until last year, his strategy seemed quite 'flaky', with several large trading losses incurred. However, there was a growing 'wispa' amongst the trading community that his plans for domination were about to get set for a 'boost'. Apparently, no amount of 'riesen' would have dissuaded 'Chocolate-Finger' from doing what he did next.

In July 2010, he bought 241,000 tonnes of cocoa beans at a total cost of £658 million.

Chris Skinner, chairman of the Financial Services Club said this represented "the whole supply of Europe's cocoa" - enough to fill "five Titanics"

This is enough cocoa to produce a whopping 5.3 billion chocolate bars - or put another way, enough to feed Vanessa Feltz for an entire week.

So what sort of a man plots to capture the World's supply of chocolate? In short, greedy bastards.

When I say greedy bastard, I don't mean that 'Chocolate-Finger' is literally going to produce and eat all of the chocolate in Europe himself. No, he is merely going to store the cocoa beans in an unspecified location until such a time as he can sell them for profit. Or is he?

I've considered this motive and come to the conclusion that everything may not appear to be as it seems. It is true that Choc-Finger (as I shall now call him), may attempt to manipulate the soft commodity market to amass a small fortune. But he is already ridiculously wealthy anyway, so why should he care?

The Real Truth!

If at this point you are starting to question Choc-Finger's bond villain credentials and you think that he is, as he would have you believe, just a greedy speculator, I have compiled the following evidence to eliminate all doubt you may have of his Bond villainy:

The footage is from a very rare interview with the 'master of the malteser' himself.

Bond Villain Checklist

1) A Bond Villain must possess the means to imprison all us in a global web of fear, lies, deceit and, er, chocolate:




2) All forward thinking Bond villains must also have access to top scientists and scientific resources such as 'global weather stations' (which as we all know, usually turn out to be disguised missile launch sites):



3) Any self-respecting Bond villain will usually have one of those cool table top maps of the world - probably located in a underground bunker somewhere! (n.b - i make no apologies for repeating this clip to add dramatic emphasis and to highlight his unusually evil sounding voice):



4) Finally, Bond villains must belong to organisations that have scary looking logos:



EXHIBIT 1: Dr No - SPECTRE


EXHIBIT 2: Auric Goldfinger - Auric Enterprises



EXHIBIT 3: Anthony 'Chocolate-Finger' Ward - Armajaro Holdings Ltd

(n.b - quite odd how similar the Armajaro logo is to that of Auric Enterprises, don't you think?)

Convinced? Yeah, I thought you might be!

So, like all villains, we can assume that Choc-Finger has an insatiable appetite for power (and mars bars probably). This appetite can be temporarily appeased through the acquisition of material wealth, but it is no substitute for real power - namely the ability to strike fear into the hearts of your fellow man.

In this case, the man who owns the world's supply of cocoa, can hold chocolate lovers of the world to ransom.

A popular conspiracy is that powerful individuals have previously used substance addiction to control and subjugate the masses to further their own interests. It is believed by some, that dark forces connected to the U.S government were responsible for crack-cocaine hitting the streets of U.S cities in the 1950s, in order to derail the momentum for change that was growing amongst African Americans:


So what better way to gain control over the masses than through the use of the world's most widely used addictive substance...Chocolate!

It is my theory that Choc-Finger will begin to amass an army of chocoholics who will be totally subservient to him and him alone. He will no doubt maintain control of his army by using a promise of the occasional dairy-milk.

This army will be spearheaded by a phalanx of unstoppable, relentless PMS suffering women who without chocolate to calm their hormonal rage, will literally tear the heads off their enemies and eat them for breakfast.
















With his army established Chocolate-Finger will seek to crush the nations of this world one by one.



"Join me, and together we will eat all the galaxies".






Now for an uncharacteristically serious bit

Armies of chocoholics and world domination aside, Anthony 'Chocolate-finger' Ward is one of many of the world's wealthy speculators who are indirectly contributing to increasing levels of global poverty. This wholesale manipulation of global commodity markets result in increasingly erratic patterns in global food prices.

Even the farmers of cocoa who may initially benefit from these price spikes are ultimately worse off due to the parallel rises in the price of food in their country. They will become worse off still when the speculators dump their stock and their crop prices plummet.

"Cocoa farmers are in a precarious situation when one or two speculators can hold their futures in their hands", says Harriet Lamb, Executive Director of the Fairtrade Foundation. "The wild fluctuations in the cocoa market make life extremely unstable for farmers. It is very difficult for them to build their organisations and plan their lives," say Harriet. "In our experience, whatever the current upturn in prices, little will go back to the farmers who could soon be once again at the mercy of low prices".

Worryingly, Choc-Finger has signalled his belief that our planet's very 'life-blood' may be the next big commodity market due to decreasing supply and an increasing global population. Alarming to say the least:




On a final note, i would like to make a plea to Mr Ward himself:

Choc-Finger. If you're reading this (and I would imagine that your international network of spies will inform you of its existence), I'd like to ask you to re-consider your plans for world domination.

Lets face it. You are obviously already very wealthy. You surely can't need to make any more money! Why don't you use your powers for good purposes? Here's an idea for you:

You could open a factory and use your cocoa beans to make free chocolate for the world. You could employ a labour force of orange faced dwarfs who like to sing a lot and are generally very productive. I believe that such people are happy to be paid in the cocoa beans themselves, so you'd save a fortune in salary costs!

You could increase your philanthropy by having an occasional 'prize-draw' involving golden tickets. Winners of such a competition could potentially get a free day-tour of your factory and compete for a life-time supply of chocolate. What do you think?

Whatever you decide to do, please try to think of others and put own your selfish impulses aside. You could do so much good in this world if only you'd change your wicked ways.

And if you won't listen to me, i think I know someone who might be able to convince you.......



and if that didn't work, well........



Let's be honest, I couldn't really finish this post without........

Given that Chocolate-Finger has clearly sealed his place amongst the likes of Ernst Blofeld, Dr No, Auric Goldfinger and other notable Bond Villains, I would like to make some suggestions for upcoming Bond movies:

• YOU ONLY LIVE TWIX
• DIMEBARS ARE FOREVER
• A VIEW TO A KIT-KAT
• THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN CRUMBLE
• MARS-RAKER

I'll get my coat..........

Bloody Brilliant Britain: An Ode to the morning saviour

On mornings bleak with darkened skies,

With fog and mist that blurs your way

There is, but one, recourse to take

To spur you mind and ease your aches

It comes in boiling, liquid form

Its sweet release will bring you warmth

The choice is yours on how it comes

One or two spoons, milk or none?

Its vessel strong, with handle firm

Its colour rich in shades of brown

Its touch will warm your frozen palm,

A sip will lift your sullen frown

That’s right, you’ve guessed, it must be true

It is non-other than A BREW......

There are few words that can be uttered prior to nine o' clock in the morning and be as gladly received as "fancy a brew?"

Tea drinking in Britain is not just a matter of quaffing a hot beverage. It's much more than that. There are numerous rituals and sociological nuances that must be adhered to in order for the tea gods to be appeased.

"But who shall rise to the challenge"?

There are several ideological models that can be applied to the process of 'putting a brew on'. The model selected will generally be determined by the local environment and the status of the people involved.

1) The Socialist model of tea-making:

This model usually exists in more formal arenas such as offices and communal staff-rooms. Tea-making duties are defined by the use of a rota system and supplies are purchased by means of a shared monetary fund. All potential recipients of a brew are placed on a list. In turn, each member of the list will prepare a cuppa for every other member. The process is repeated 'ad infinitum' thus ensuring that everyone has an equal turn in the tea-making stakes. There is usually no particular order to the list, but upon completion of a round - the contributing member will put a tick against his/her name.

An even spread of ticks on the list ensures that everybody has contributed equally to the tea-making rota.....or does it?

Although this sounds like a fair and equitable model for tea-making duties, there are some flaws in this system. For one, as the size of the round depends on how many people are present at the time of the making, a canny member of the list might wait until a quieter moment before they offer their services and earn their mark on the rota. These people are known as 'crafty fuckers'.

Also as there is a requirement for the efficient administration of this process, both in terms of collecting supplies and managing the monetary fund, there is often one or more person(s) who holds much more power and control than is permissible in a truly equal society.

2) The fascist model

This model is more prominent in environments where a clear hierarchy of status has been formed. The Alpha-person, or 'the boss', will never be required to participate in the tea-making, but is able to fully benefit from it.

The mid-tier individual will sometimes complete a round for his/her seniors and contemporaries, but will rarely 'brew up' for those seen as beneath them in the social stratosphere.

In this system, what will commonly happen is that persons of lower social significance (such as work placement students and idiots) will be delegated total responsibility for all tea-making activity:

This tea making labour force will be held completely accountable and usually chastised heavily should there be a lack of adequate brewing. Typical mockery of such a person is likely to take the following form:

"Get a move on Kevin; we're dying of thirst over here!"

A potential problem inherent in this system is the threat of social uprising. The ill-treated tea-making labour force may rebel and begin to introduce bodily fluids to the mugs of their brutal tea guzzling overlords.

3) The Capitalist Model

The capitalist model of tea-making is perhaps the most prevalent in British society. Tea making is undertaken by the individual, for the individual. Those with the necessary means will generally benefit from a superior cuppa, will drink from a superior mug and will brew up using superior ingredients and equipment:

Those with no means will either go without completely or be consigned to a life of drinking piss-weak tea made with UHT or powdered milk.

These poor people will eye the superior brew with ever increasing envy and may one day rise up and shoplift supplies from Waitrose.

4) The non-conformist model.

This system usually applies to informal groups where the socialist model is too rigid, the fascist model is not applicable (due to supposed equality of status) and the capitalist model would rupture the solidarity of the group.

In the non-conformist model, tea making duties generally arise from an individual's failure to win a pre-determined competitive event:

i.e. Dave was unable to balance a pen on the bridge of his nose for 20 seconds. "Aaah, you're shit! Get the brews on"

Alternatively, subtle mind games are played amongst group members, with any faux-pas punishable by a requirement to put the brews on:

TONY: "Dave, what's that thing called that you put a golf ball on?

DAVE: "Err? A tee?"

TONY: "Yes thanks mate; I'll have two sugars in mine!"

Ultimately, the non-conformist model can only work in well established and informal groups. It is not a viable solution in a official and formal environment at all, as seen here:

TONY:" Dave, what's that thing called that you put a golf ball on?

SUPREME CHANCELLOR DAVE: "Err? A tee?"

TONY: "Yes thanks mate; I'll have two sugars in mine!"

SUPREME CHANCELLOR DAVE: "No you won't. In fact, you're fired with immediate effect. And stop calling me Dave"

The all important form

The first thing to consider in the preparation of a good cuppa is the tea-bag itself. Technically, a proper brew comes from a variety of 'blended tea' known as 'English Breakfast tea'. This is a tea-bag that contains several different varieties of black tea-leaf.

Common commercial makes of English Breakfast tea bag that would be acceptable for use in a 'brew' include:

• PG Tips
• Tetleys
• Yorkshire Tea
  

The bags themselves have evolved significantly in the last few years. Up until fairly recently, tea bags were generally flat and square and needed to be left to stew for a good while before the bag had fully done its work.

More recently though, circular bags came to prominence. Still flat, but somehow able to infuse boiling water with the power of the brew in a shorter time.

The most recent variation is the truly inspiring PG Tips pyramid bag. This three dimensional wonder possesses the greatest powers of infusion currently available from a tea bag and makes for one hell of a flavoursome brew.

I would now like to propose and patent my own invention. The dodeca-t-bag (c) 2011 :

Utilising the unique properties of a twelve sided, pentagon faceted dodecahedron, this creation would ensure the finest brew known to man and would mark the pinnacle of the modern tea-bag. I may be getting carried away, but its realisation would only be equalled by the discovery of an infinitely renewable supply of energy for mankind. Remember, you heard it here first - dodeca-t-bag (c) 2011.


Following the selection of an adequate bag, there are three questions that must be posed before continuing with the preparation of any brew:

1) How many sugars?
2) Milk?
3) How strong do you have it?

Once this information has been gathered, the brew making may commence.

How do you take it?

Any good brew will fall into one of four categories once prepared:

All colour charts courtesy of mycuppatea

A)

The 'Classic British' is your most common kind of brew. Medium level infusion governed by a short brewing span. A modest amount of milk. Sugar optional.

B)

The 'Milky Tea' is similar to the 'Classic British. Again, mid-level infusion, short brewing time, but in this case, a good amount of milk to give it a paler complexion and a slightly creamier consistency. Once again, sugar is optional.

C)

'Just tea' or 'naked tea', is nothing more than a tea bag and water. Some may opt for sugar to sweeten the taste, but a true 'naked tea' would be bereft of all additional elements beyond the tea and the water. This type of tea brewing is the most common, globally speaking.

D)

The 'builders brew' or 'builders tea' is not just a brew - it is arguably THE BREW. It takes all the elements required to make a nice cup of tea, and "turns them up to 11":

Tea Bag - Maximum infusion. Often left to stew until the bag becomes so dense it collapses in on itself and causes a supernova.

Milk - Present, but requiring an electron-microscope to be detected.

Sugar - Enough to bankrupt Willy Wonka.

It is a popular theory that unlike the other types of brew, 'builders brews' are not made in the traditional way, but are actually mined directly from the Earth and extracted in full form, ready for consumption. Well, either that or sourced from 'Sheila's Greasy Spoon'.

The final great debate of brew making is one, I suspect, that will never be conclusively won:

How do you make a brew?

Opinions are varied here, but I believe that the following is the best method:

1. Tea bag and sugar added to cup
2. Boiling water added
3. Stewing and stirring commences
4. Milk added
5. Final stirring
   

There are many variations of recipe, but this, I believe, is the correct order for ensuring that all flavour is distributed evenly through the cup. As the sugar is put in with the tea bag, it has the same opportunity to infuse as the tea itself. Also, as milk is heavier than water, putting this in last is advisable to ensure that it gets maximum spread throughout the cup/mug.

Thus concludes my ode to the morning saviour. May you all benefit from the life-giving power of the brew in the days, weeks, months and years to come.

Bloody Brilliant Britain: Fry Ups

You will often hear many an aspiring middle class British civilian talking about the 'absolutely fabulous' paella dish that they tasted whist dining out in Barcelona, or the 'simply splendid' risotto that they sampled in Rome. Now, whilst it is true that our continental neighbours play host to some cracking 'scran', I feel that we undervalue British cuisine in terms of both its 'scrumptiousness' and its place in our hearts.

With that, I thought that I'd compile a short list of the best of British food. I had, however, not truly anticipated the level of detail required to pay full testament to the food that I have identified. So please bear with me as I tackle this over the course of a few blog posts:

The Fry Up

The fry up ultimately falls into the category of 'breakfast'. It is the most hearty of all the 'first meals of the day', but can be respectably eaten at any point, thanks to the creation of the term 'all day breakfast'. There are many varieties of fry-up that can be found across the world, but all are pale imitations next to the cholesterol packed warlord that is the British fry-up:

To understand the fry up is to know its constituent parts, as identified in the above picture:

1) Bacon - Perhaps the centrepiece of the fry-up, it is also what so often leaves non British versions of the fry up sadly lacking in stature. Bacon rashers, when applied to a fry up should be large , floppy and slightly chewy. Small, crunchy, thin piddly strips that you often find in continental hotels just won't 'cut it'.

Whilst holidaying in Egypt several years ago, due to religious restrictions placed on the hotel, I was subjected to beef bacon. This was basically trussed up 'beef jerky' and had no place in any self-respecting fry-up.

2) Sausages - This is my favourite element of the fry-up. Plump, juicy, mouthwatering, meaty motherfuckers. A crowning moment during the consumption of any good fry-up, is hearing the subtle 'pop' as you pierce through the skin of a sausage with your knife.

The perfect British sausage is a plain, high quality, pork sausage. In recent years, Beef sausages have become more popular, but in my opinion you just can't beat a good pork banger. Again, the continental, chipolata style mini-sausage is an affront to the true fry-up and not fit for the plate.

3) Eggs - Sterile foetus casings have never tasted so good! The fried egg is a truly marvellous addition to the fry up. Neither meat nor vegetable, their rich protein packed goodness makes them a tasty and oddly nutritious addition to this fabled meal.

Eggs can come in a wide variety of styles (scrambled, boiled, poached etc), all of which have their own individual charm. However, as implied by the title, only a FRIED egg has a right to be part of a FRY-up.

Specifically, the egg should be sunny side up with a securely contained yolk that once breached, will deliver its yellowy goodness to your fry-up.

4) Baked Beans- To provide balance, every true and proper meal should have a vegetable in its midst. However, greenery has no place in a fry-up, so baked beans nicely fill that niche with minimum offense caused. Heinz beans are probably the most famous and flavoursome - but a rare treat in your average 'greasy spoon' cafe. You are more likely to find a supermarket own brand baked bean gracing your plate. But no bother - baked beans are largely very similar regardless of their origins, and anyway, their primary purpose in a fry up is merely to lend texture and added flavour to the other more important elements, such as the egg, sausage and bacon.

5) Toast and/or Fried Bread - I've bunged these two bread based fry-up accompaniments together, despite them being very different beasts. Their similarity really lies in their chief purpose in the fry up - to serve as a 'mopper-upper'.

The first major difference is straightforward enough - toast requires butter, fried bread does not.

The second difference is in the preparation - fried bread goes straight in the pan to be cooked by and to absorb the flavours of its fry-up bound brethren. Toast is strictly toasted (duh!).

Rules applying to the form in which these items are presented are simple and as follows:

TOAST - Light to medium brown with butter. Margarine is not an acceptable alternative

FRIED BREAD - Crispy, greasy to the touch.

n.b - brief scientific fact: It was previously believed that a black hole was the densest object in the known universe. However, it is now a widely held opinion that fried bread may actually be more dense*

Many greasy spoons tend to offer an either/or option for Toast and Fried Bread, which is another reason I've put them together in this list. However, I think this is a tad unfair and detracts from the individuality of each item. Unlike Ant and Dec - these inanimate objects are clearly very different.

and the nominations for best supporting actor..............

The above 'big 5' are as described, the chief components of the fry-up. If any of them are missing, it cannot truly be called a fry-up. However, special mention must go to some other options, which while not in the upper echelons of the fry-up hierarchy, are by some, seen as unforgivable absences:

- Fried Mushrooms

- Black Pudding

- Plum tomatoes (as a confessed tomato hater, I add these begrudgingly)

- Hash browns

The following should serve as a reminder that there are many lousy imitators that are often paraded as 'fry-ups'. Please click on the pictures to get a close up view of these abominations:

EXHIBIT A

Reasons for failure:

Cherry tomatoes!!! In the words of a 15 year old social networking addict....OMG, WTF!

As I said previously, I can't abide tomatoes myself, but I understand their importance to some people. But little girly, cherry tomatoes on a fry up. "Red card! You're off!"

Oh....and what else do I spy? Grated cheese??? "La-di-bloody-da!" On a baked potato? Definitely. On a fry up? Get the fuck out!

Finally, hmmm....something seems to be missing!?? What could it be??? Oh, only a couple of fairly insignificant ingredients. Only the fundamental, life-giving, beating heart of the fry-up - bacon and sausages!!!! Seriously, whoever made the decision to replace these with what appears to be a wafer thin slice of salami, should be executed by firing (or should that be frying) squad.

EXHIBIT B

Reasons for failure:

Usual opening faux-pas. No bacon.......

Secondly, more piddly little cherry tomatoes.......

Now we get seriously messed up, there appears to be some sort of jam involved here! Honestly, i despair.

Finally - quick fry-up colour check:

White & Yellow - all good.

Brown: No problem.

Grey/Black: In position.

Red: Accounted for.

Green: Present..................Hang on -Green!!!?? Yes, that's right some schmuck has added a little leafy garnish to the plate. Do you know what I have to say about that?...GET THE FUCK OFF MY FRY UP! You have no place here. This is heart attack country and you my friend, are not welcome! Be gone before you are drowned in the juice of a hundred baked beans.

So next time you wander in that little roadside caff', remember, don't settle for anything less than the fully fledged, cholesterol extravaganza that is...The Great British Fry-Up.

* source: Bob from the Penguin Caff.