Geek Fighter II - The PC World Warrior

I had always known that one day, my trusty Dell C521 Dimension desktop PC would cease to function adequately, would start to resist my efforts to interact with the world wide web and ultimately, would be destined for the Internet cafe in the sky.



That day came last week. After five years of loyal and dedicated service, the old boy just packed in. I hoped that I might be able to resuscitate it, but it turned out that the problem was serious enough to warrant a full PC replacement. In all fairness, five years is a decent run for a PC, and anyway, I was starting to find a few limitations in terms of what the little silicon based chappie could deliver in this more technologically demanding decade.



So, knowing that a replacement was required, I turned my attention to what was on the market. I had a budget of £400 and I had made the decision that although you can get a lot more 'bang for your buck' with a desktop, I wanted a laptop. In all honesty, this was mainly so I could realise my dream of sitting on the sofa on Saturday afternoons watching Sky Sports Soccer Saturday whilst mindlessly surfing the net and/or writing twaddle. Basically, I wanted to be just like this guy, but without the smug grin, with more chocolate stains on my t-shirt and sporting significantly longer toenails:



Now, despite what people might assume, I'm not really much of a PC geek - I am aware of what does what - but open the lid and I wouldn't know a front side bus from a National Express Coach. Equally though, I'm not a complete moron in this regard either and am more than able to find reasonable value for money when computer shopping.

These were my minimum specifications (for those mildly interested):

Processor: 2nd Gen Intel i3
RAM: 4GB min
Hard-drive: 500GB
USB: 3 ports min. USB 3.0 would be nice
HDMI Out: Yes
Graphics Card & Sound Card: Bog standard - I'm not really a PC gamer and I'm not a big audiophile either.

Having scouted around online, a couple of laptops caught my eye, and happily were in my price range. One such device was a Lenovo IdeaPad z570, which ticked all of the aforementioned boxes and was £30 shy of my budget limit - coming in at £369.99. It also came in a fetching blue colour, which I must admit, looked rather nice.


Checking out some user reviews of the laptop, I was pleased to say that it rated well. For someone like myself who wanted to use it for surfing, a bit of work (on occasion) and a lot of downloading of movies and music, it appeared to be the perfect match.

Trouble was I needed to purchase it sharpish, and it was only available at the computing den of vice that is - PC World.



I have never before bought so much as a USB stick from PC World. It is the very definition of a soul-less mega store. Unlike many little independent computer shops, who pride themselves on very personalised customer services and ensuring that the customer gets exactly what they're looking for, PC World's core ethos seems to be about maximising profit by convincing/conning people into buying pointless crap that they don't really need via the medium of 'informative' sales patter.



This pointless crap includes ridiculously expensive anti-virus software, extensive 'office' software and worst of all, outrageously overpriced 'peace-of-mind' guarantees and insurance packages that you'll subscribe to and most probably never use.

Worse still, a large number of staff at PC World tend to have little more knowledge about the products that they are selling than that which was described to them on their first day briefing. They are also duty bound by their blood signed employment contracts to do everything in their power to get to to buy the aforementioned 'pointless crap' and squeeze you for every last penny that you can afford.


Still, I shamefully headed over to my local Curry's/PC World Superstore to pick up my chosen device.

Upon entering the shop I made my way over to the laptop display area. Along the way I passed a couple who appeared to be utterly mesmerised by the shiny white hub that was the Apple Mac area. Glancing quickly across, I too felt strangely drawn to the pearly white devices with their edgy, minimalistic looks - but then I was snapped back to reality when I noticed that they were all so stupidlyexpensive that I've have had to flog my own kidney to afford one.








After browsing through more completely overpriced laptops in the SONY area, I made my way to the mid-range laptop section, where my quarry was to be found. The area was populated by a variety of Lenovos, ASUS' and ACERs - All of which are top quality makes which tend to be a bit cheaper as they don't usually attract the status minded shoppers (who are usually busy salivating over more well known brands).

Having found the Ideapad, I toddled off to find a member of staff, whom I hoped (despite some grave reservations) might be able to assist me with my purchase. My mission was simple. Get the staff member to answer a few straightforward questions and then sell me the laptop without any additional crap.

I called this challenge; 'Geek Fighter II - The PC World Warrior', as much like the famous 2D beat em up game Street Fighter II, I was sure to do battle with numerous foes, each with their own unique style and technique.

The first of my PC World Fighter Opponents (Identifiable by name-badge) was Anne. Her face obscuring fringe, multiple facial piercings and dyed black hair suggested an embryonic adult, currently enduring the uncomfortable transition from being a fully fledged mardy-arsed teenager to becoming a downtrodden retail salesperson.

I approached her cautiously as she appeared to be in a world of her own - probably contemplating the relative strengths of differing shades of black and composing lyrics about Rigor-mortis.

Round 1 - Anne.


Height: 5ft 2"

Weight: 115lbs

Style: Disillusioned post-teen Emo type - currently being sapped of her life-force by the corporate machine.

Special Move: Complete lack of interest in anything I that am saying

1) I told Anne that I had found the laptop I wanted and asked her if the RAM was upgradable. POW!!

2) She somehow managed to completely ignore my question and started telling me about another machine which would allow me to access the Internet via the push of a button (???) BAMM!!!

4) I told her that this really didn't interest me and I asked her again if she could reliably inform me as to the maximum RAM capacity of the Lenovo Ideapad Z570. HADOUKEN!!!!

YOU WIN!

Unable to continue to ignore me or actually provide an answer to my question, Anne retreated to fetch my next opponent.

Enter Jasbeer - a rather rotund fellow who looked like he would have been more suited to life in a 2nd hand car dealership than in a premium corporate megastore. With his few remaining strands of upper head hair blowing steadily under the air conditioned 'gulf-stream' of PC World, Jasbeer sauntered over to me with the look of a Lion about to sink his teeth into an Antelope carcass.

Round 2: Jasbeer

Height: 6ft

Weight: 210lbs

Style: Arrogant balding Sales Type

Special Move: Pretending to know loads of made up shit

1) Jasbeer approached me in overconfident, supremely patronising manner. "How can I help you 'young man'?" SMASH!!

2) I responded by repeating the RAM question that had vanquished Anne. HADOUKEN!!!

3) Jasbeer blocked this enquiry, with a swift counter of; "You probably don't need to worry about that, but do you know what you should worry about? Viruses! Like, there's this new virus that will actually steal your bank account! Completely steal it man! You're going to have to consider getting some good anti-virus protection - you can't be too careful these days!". SONIC BOOOOM!!!

4) Unsure as to how exactly how a bank account can be stolen, I unleashed my own counter. "It's alright 'mate' I use AVAST antivirus - which is highly rated - and free". SHORYUKEN!!!!!!

5) Sensing victory was imminent, I hit him with a double whammy. "Anyway, so again, can you tell me what the maximum RAM is, and are the USB ports USB 3.0? HADOUKEN!!! SPINNING BIRD KICK!!!!

YOU WIN!!

With his mildly dishonest sales patter defeated, Jasbeer informed me that he'd go and get another colleague who would be able to answer all of my questions, as he wasn't sure.

After pacing back and forth for a few minutes, I spotted my next opponent making his way over. And what a sight he was!

Dressed in the customary PC World purple shirt, but with a scrotum crushingly tight pair of drainpipe jeans, the one whose badge revealed him to be 'Harvi' looked every bit the unrelenting opponent that I would have expected at this point. I was right in the middle of a full-on salesman chain-brawl and they were throwing the 'big-guns' at me now.

The most spectacular thing about Harvi was his long flowing locks of jet black hair. His was truly a mane to rival that of Lord Aslan or Simba's Dad. Like an Asian Jon Bon Jovi he swaggered over to me.

Round 3 - Harvi

Height: 5ft 9"

Weight: 135lbs

Style: Long lost member of Guns n Roses

Special Move: Supreme self-confidence stemming from the power of his awesome barnet

1) With a wall of pryotechnics exploding behind him, Harvi walked through a wall of dry ice, looked me dead in the eye and said, Hi I'm Harvi! HADOUKKEN!!!!!



2) Harvi then followed up by answering my question about the USB ports (they weren't USB 3.0), and then complementing me on my nice suit and insisting that I'd probably want the full MS Office 2010 package with it, as it only had the starter package - which had only had vastly reduced versions of Word and Excel - which wouldn't nearly be adequate for a professional looking gent like myself . TIGER UPPERCUT!!!!

3) I was taken aback by this double whammy of PC World persistence and bare faced arse kissing. A quick counter was needed. "I don't really want Office (i knew I'd be able to download a hooky copy anyway), and I'm still not sure about the maximum RAM situation". To hammer home my advantage, I followed up with - "I take it the existing 4GB is DDR3 RAM?" (knowing full well that it probably was) METSUUUU HADOKKKKEENNNNNNNN!!!!

YOU WIN!!

With this final assault of simple questions, Harvi, his amazing hair and unfeasibly tight trousers were finished. He told me he wasn't sure and he'd have to find out on the store computer. He asked me to go and wait by the till and told me he'd go and get an Ideapad out of the store-room and double check my questions on route - then if I was happy, he'd finish the transaction at the till.

I'd done it! I'd beaten the PC World staff. They had truly given up on their efforts to sell me extra rubbish. Harvi pointed me towards the till and he headed off to fetch an Ideapad from the storeroom.

But then as I watched Harvi , he veered off from his storeroom-bound course towards a another man who was standing with his back to me. Harvi's deferent posture as he approached the mysterious figure suggested that this was someone of importance. And they were. For he was....

Store Manager 'Alan'

Store manager Alan was everything that I had feared. He appeared to be an actual geek. His thick glasses, uncoordinated posture and greying wizened look suggested that he might actually know what he was talking about and would seek to confuse me with a confident display of knowledge. I was ready though. Well at least until he spoke...at which point it became apparent that Alan was a born and bred crafty cockney.

A goddamn geeky cockney sparrow! And everyone knows that cockneys have a genetically inherent ability to be able to sell absolutely anything to absolutely anyone. Its a superpower akin to x-ray vision. If I didn't play this one right, I'd end up walking out of PC World with £100 platinum coated HDMI cable and a lifetime subscription for keyboard insurance.

Final Round - Store Manager Alan


Height: 5ft 10"

Weight: 180lbs

Style: Cockney herbert with a nerdy exterior

Special Move: Unflinchingly relentless and persuasive sales banter.

Straight out of the blocks he sought to unnerve me with his cockney charm:

1) "Alright san. Howr ya doin me old' mucka? What can I do you for?" POW!!



2) I repeated all of my questions in quick succession, hoping he'd be overwhelmed. PSYCHOCRUSHERRRRRR!!!!!!!

3) He responded instantly in a typically brisk and assured cockney style;

"Well, you can ramp up to the full 8gb whack, but would ya want to? You see me ol' chestnut, unless you're into your high end stuff, you won't need it. What you're looking for is reliability fella. Reliability! Now, it don't matta which machine you go for - they're all pretty reliable as it happens, but sometimes they do 'ave an habit of goin' a bit Pete Tong on you - and if that happens - you're gonna wish you 'ad a bit of cover, aint ya? So here's what ol' Alan says! Buy this laptop, coz it's a steal for the price - but take out the three year extended warranty peace of mind plan. It'll only cost you 35p a day, for the duration of the contract, and we'll only charge you 14.2% interest APR if you take it out as a monthly plan. Now ya can't say fairer than that, can ya?" TIGER DESTRUCTIONNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!

4) Battered and bloodied by this relenting sales pitch, I mustered every last bit of consumer resistance left in me and replied. It's alright mate I've got extended warranty cover and hardware support cover with my bank (this was at least partially true) and one of my close friends is an IT professional who's fixed my computer before for free. WRATH OF THE RAGING DEMON!!!!! SHIN SHORYUKEN!!!!!

YOU WIN!!!

With my questions answered and my resolute refusal to be tricked into buying into an expensive, subscription based insurance swindle, Store Manager Alan was no more. Harvi returned from the storeroom with the Ideapad and rang it through the till.

I picked up the Ideapad box and strode victoriously towards the exit.

As the automatic doors parted upon my departure, I turned back to see Alan, Harvi, Jasbeer and Anne stalking the aisles again - and I knew that they were just waiting to do battle with the next......

PC World warrior.

Your road to a healthier you! The consume everything in sight plan

With Christmas out of the way you are probably a little bit on the skint side, and somewhat depressed now the festivities are over, but on the bright side you have become the proud owner of more pairs of socks and vermin repelling aftershaves/perfumes than you can poke a stick at.




Now that the wheels of life are beginning to turn again, you have probably headed back to the land of gainful employment and are readjusting to a more mundane routine. You might also be feeling a bit on the podgy side and have decided to embark on some sort of a weight loss plan, be it through dieting, a exercise regime, or via an ill-advised makeshift stomach stapling procedure involving stolen office stationery.....










Whatever your method, if you are about to embark on a healthy living plan in the early days of this new year, I say to you...STOP!

Look around you. Your home will no doubt still be littered with the delicious festive sweets and treats that have accumulated in your home during the Christmas period.

We've all been there. It's the new year, and you want to start getting healthy, but there's still too much food around! So you tell yourself "I'll eat this lot then I'll get on with living the dream of a healthy lifestyle".

Trouble is, the food supply is seemingly inexhaustible, and you find yourself sitting on your sofa on a Friday night in Mid January, eating a leftover box of mince pies whilst watching old Christmas movies instead of being out running ultra marathons in the Arctic Tundra.

There is but one solution......



You must literally eat every last morsel of leftover Christmas food as soon as humanly possible or you will not truly be able to move forward with your personal improvement overhaul. You could just throw everything away, but let's be honest - we're in a time of economic crisis and that sort of waste is inexcusable! You could give it away, but as everything is probably already open and half eaten, or close to its sell by date, it's unlikely to be accepted -  so satisfy your conscience with a charitable donation and simply get on with the business of necking the lot.

If this is the path you choose to take, I would encourage you to follow my patented Consume Everything In Sight Plan - CEISP, otherwise known as stage 1 of the 'Fat Bastard Exorcism Program'.

The CEISP(c)

The first step of your CEISP(c) is to catalogue all of your 'surviving Christmas food stuffs'  (SCFs) so that you can calculate the total 'consumption difficulty level'  (CDL) of your stockpile of leftover Christmassy goodness. Generally, these will be those things that have a long shelf life, rather than the many meat based products that will have long since become inedible.

The following is a guide to cataloguing your SCFs:

1. Christmas Cake



Often used for the purpose of bludgeoning men to death, the sheer weight of a Christmas Cake should be enough to tell you that it is packing some serious badness. It's main constituents are icing, err...cake, and usually about half a bottle of rum, whiskey or some other suitable alcoholic spirit. As eating an entire Christmas cake in one go will probably result in death, it must be integrated into your plan and consumed on a gradual basis.

Consumption Difficulty Level (CDL): Per slice - 5

2. Beer



Beer. The unadulterated king of liquid calories. Lets face it, you're always going to have some beer stocked in the fridge, but having two spare leftover Christmas cases is asking for trouble for anyone wishing to embark on a weight loss program. Again, the consumption of this should be integrated into your plan to avoid death by bloating.

Consumption Difficulty Level: Per can - 3/bottle - 2.5/ale - 3.5

3. Assorted Savoury Snacks



Typically, these will include some, or all of the following:

• Pringles
• Crisp multi-packs (i.e. quavers, walkers etc..)
• Salted Peanuts
• Bombay Mix
• Crackers

Savoury snacks are of particular danger to anyone embarking on a healthy living plan, as they are generally eaten in small but frequent portions. 'A handful of nuts here, a bag of Wotsits there', you will soon find yourself back in full kitchen grazing mode! As such they need to be dealt with quickly, so integration into a rapid consumption plan is critical to the success of your personalised CEISP.

Consumption Difficulty Level: Per packet/large handful - 2

4. Cheese



Aah, Fromage, Formaggio, Cheeeeeeese! Hats off to the person who first left a jug of milk out for too long and inadvertently created this wonderfully pongy snack. As the eponymous hero of the almighty Cheese-Board, it is a truly wonderful addition to the list of your SCFs. Trouble is, it's another one that tends to hang around for a while after Christmas due to its long shelf life and results in numerous mini cheeseboards being created every time you enter the kitchen area. It is not advisable to eat entire blocks of cheese in one sitting because:

a) If you're lactose intolerant, prepare for a tsunami of alien matter to be ejected from every orifice of your body

b) You will suffer from nightmares that will be more terrifying than a night spent in the company of Pennywise the Dancing Clown.

Consumption Difficulty Level: Per generous slice - 4

5. Jars of things



'Jars of things' are another danger to the good intentions of a person recovering from the excesses of Christmas. 'Jars of things' fall roughly into two categories:

• Pickled things - Consumption Difficulty Level: per good helping - 3.5
• Jams & Chutneys - Consumption Difficulty Level: per good helping - 3

Pickled things will normally include onions, cabbage and eggs. Chutneys and jams are essentially the same thing, with the former being of the savoury nature whilst the later of the sweet variety.

The presence of pickled things also has a habit of inspiring you to create entire micro meals from your SCFs. It is for instance, nearly impossible to eat a single pickled onion without subsequently finding yourself unwittingly creating a plate full of crackers, cheeses and grapes and of course about half a dozen further pickled onions to boot. In a further unavoidable twist of fate, the moment that you have finished your pickle inspired snack, you will be required to indulge in a pudding, or sweet, thus encouraging you to continue to raid your stocks of SCFs.

6. Chocolatey treats



Chocolatey treats are generally the most abundant SCFs - largely because you will have received a large supply in the form of gifts from other people (the bastards!) to compliment the stockpile that you have already amassed yourself. Like being in possession of a plentiful supply of class-A narcotics, you will never truly be able to turn over a new leaf until you have scoffed the lot. The enemy is varied and numerous:

1. Quality Street
2. Roses
3. Celebrations
4. Heroes
5. After Eights
6. Ferrero Roche
7. Guylian Seashells
8. Lindor

The most dangerous thing about this variety of SCF is the ease of consumption, which can lead to prolonged stomach aches, an inability to move and finally an enormously unsatisfying crap.
Consumption Difficulty Level: per individual treat - 0.25

7. Sweeties



Usually less numerous in quantity than chocolaty treats but equally as varied, sweeties are usually of a fruity or sour nature. Sweeties are normally bought for the kids, but inevitably become the object of desire for scavenging adults during the Christmas period. Sweeties are also often bought in giant plastic tubs, ensuring that there is normally a reasonably large supply that makes it to the new year and beyond. Fairly easy to consume and not naturally fitting into a larger snack, sweeties are probably the most harmless SCFs, but nevertheless must be consumed along with the rest.

Consumption Difficulty Level: per handful - 1

8. Mince Pies



You might not like them all that much, many don't - but you will almost certainly have a couple of packets of mince pies knocking about. As it is illegal in most countries to eat a mince pie between the dates of Jan 6th - Dec 1st, you need to get these necked, sharpish like!

Consumption Difficulty Level: per pie - 3

With the SCFs catalogued, you will now need to make a list and jot down the consumption difficulty levels (CDL) as mentioned above. Here's an example:



This particular list has a whopping Total Consumption Difficulty Level of 388! Actual medical experts have compiled the following 'danger chart' based on the Consumption Difficulty Level scale, which suggests that consuming over 80 CDLs in one sitting will result in a negative impact on your general wellness, and that if you were attempt to finish off the entire list of 388 CDLs shown above, you'd be shuffling off this mortal coil before you could digest your last pickled onion:



So basically, if you're going to conduct your CEISP safely, you're going to need a carefully devised daily gluttony plan. Here comes the hard sell:

Using my patented CEISP optimum snacking formula, and for a one off payment of £39.99, I'll help you through this tough time by providing you with the following:

• Your own personalised 2 week CEISP post christmas meal plan.

• 3 daily text messages of encouragement (e.g. "Go on, have another bag of quavers, you know you want to") during your programme.

• A signed poster of Rick Waller

• 24 hour access to the Live chat forums where you can discuss whether or not to eat that last ferrero roche with other registered PHLPCEISPers.

• A full money back guarantee if you don't pile on the weight that you eventually want to lose.

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER*
Here are some testimonies from successful CEISPers:
"With the CEISP, I was able to eat all 17 jars of my homemade picked duck's eggs within 2 weeks, and gained the 13lbs I will be trying to lose next month!" Boris Netharegiane (48), Swansea, Wales
"Using the CEISP, I gained nearly 21lbs in two weeks by practically living on Blue Stilton and After Eight mints. Now I can start my exercise regime at last! Janice Meatsweate (37), Nottingham, England
"The CEISP helped me to demolish my stocks of surviving christmas foodstuffs and finally break a cycle of snacking that started with a box of Mint Matchmakers in 1983, and has now pushed me towards considering signing up to my local gym. Vestan Pance (56), Buckinghamshire, England
"Don't delay. Register today to begin your journey towards considering embarking upon a journey towards a healthy lifestyle!"
* Please note that providing any bank details may initiate the process of a large cash sum being transferred from your bank account to a Nigerian Banking institution of questionable legal and moral ethics. You also may never actually receive any of the described items - except for the Rick Waller poster. You'll definitely get that.

Father Christmas for grown ups

One of the most harrowing ordeals that we experience in life is that gut wrenching moment when as a child, we are told that Father Christmas does not actually exist. It is precisely at this point that most of us are introduced to the nature of fraud and dishonesty and so begins the steady moral decline towards adulthood.

In my case, I was first informed of this most heinous of lies by a schoolyard chum at the age of 7. I'll call him John, to protect his identity (his name was actually Lee). I can still picture the scene now.....

It was a frosty morning in early December 1988. I was in my Yr4 primary school class getting ready to decorate my hand made Christmas Cards, a tube of red glitter in one hand, my trusty Pritt-Stick in the other. The atmosphere in the room was cheery. My fellow classmates were all busying themselves in similar tasks as my teacher looked on with a reassuring smile. But then a shadow was cast over my shoulder.

John was standing behind me, his gaze firmly fixed on my thirteen fingered representation of the world's jolliest philanthropist. And then he muttered those unforgettable words;

"Father Christmas isn't real you know. It's your Dad".

Naturally, I met this outburst with contempt and denial.

"Err, yes he is real. Anyway, my Dad hasn't even got a white beard!" I replied furiously – struggling to make sense of this revelation.

John went on to explain the situation in more specific detail. He made several salient points that were difficult to contradict upon contemplation. Namely, these were that:

• One man could not possibly deliver presents to the entire world in one evening.
• Reindeer cannot fly.
• Consuming over 6 billion mince pies in the space of several hours would result in death.
• Elves do not exist, and even if they did, they probably wouldn't want to work on a production line in the Arctic Circle.

My heart sank as the truth resonated with me. Then came the realisation that I had been the victim of a serious fraud. I realised that my Mom had never really posted any of my 'Dear Santa' letters to the North Pole. I realised that I should never have worried about the accessibility limitations of our gas fire place. Most disturbingly, I realised that the chap dressed as Santa in my local shopping centre, to whom I had divulged my desire for a Sinclair Spectrum 128k and the 1988 Beano annual, had actually been a stooge and a phony.

Who knows though, if John, had never shared his precious secret with me, my parents may never have found it in them to tell me the truth, and I might well still be living under the assumption that an overweight, bearded pensioner in a red suit was solely responsible for delivering Christmas presents to me via the use of gravity defying reindeer and a magic sleigh.

This got me thinking. Unlike with children, as an adult, for any lie to be taken as the truth it must be able withstand a good degree of interrogation. Should there be any weakness in the story, or any hole to be picked at; the lie will fold faster than Superman on laundry day. It can be achieved though – and on a massive scale.

Our Government lies to us all the time. Tony Blair once told us that the Iraqis could blow us all to kingdom come within the space of 45 minutes with their scary sounding 'weapons of mass destruction', and for a while at least, many of us believed him.

We have been told a lot of pretty amazing things in recent history that have stretched our belief to the furthest extremes. Even the most hardened believers of the status quo must at least admit that the following events have been akin to something out of a movie script:

Kennedy Assassination (1963) – An illicit affair with a Hollywood superstar and an insane gunman acting alone, all set against a backdrop of communist infiltration and the threat of nuclear apocalypse.

The Moon Landing (1969) – A protracted cold war with a merciless enemy and a race to technological superiority involving Nazi Scientists and space travelling chimpanzees.

Princess Di’s Demise (1997) – A secret Mediterranean romance, a drunken chauffeur, a high speed car chase through the streets of Paris and a beautiful Princess in distress.

9/11 (2001) – Two feuding families with mutual oil interests, an evil terrorist network operating out of a hidden mountain base, the world’s greatest superpower bought to it knees and a decade of war in distant lands.

So given, that it is clearly possible to construct elaborate stories in order to mislead the population, how could the myth of Father Christmas have been suitably detailed in order to make an adult human being believe it's true?

Like this.....

The Man

Nicholas Klaus XXIII

Born:
December 2nd 1934 (age 76)
Nationality:
Norweigan
Occupation:
World renowned philanthropist
Positions Held:
Chairman - Klaus Corp. Industries (1954-PRESENT)
CEO - Xmas Inc. (1954-PRESENT)
Spouse:
Mary Klaus (1952-2003)
Adrianna Katzapova (2003-Present)
Children:
Nicholas Klaus XXIV
Roger Elvis Klaus
Net Worth:
$54,000,000,000 (^2011)

The current Father Christmas' real name is Nicholas Klaus XXIII. He was born in Oslo, Norway in 1934 to Nicholas Klaus XXII and Gertrude Klaus and is a member of the incredibly wealthy Klaus dynasty, who originally made their vast fortune from international shipping in the mid 1400s. He is the direct descendant of Nicholas Klaus I, who was known to people as Saint Nick because of his renowned generosity.

This streak of selflessness has been the defining characteristic of all of Nicholas' descendants, and Nicholas XXIII certainly lives up to this reputation. In 2011 he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his services to international charity, and his philanthropic endeavours have earned him the love and respect of people the world over.

As is customary in the Klaus family, Nicholas inherited the Klaus business empire in 1954 upon the passing of his father, Nicholas XXII.

Nicholas is extremely proud of his family heritage and he ensures that he wears the traditional Norwegian red suit that has been the uniform of his ancestors in the great majority of his public appearances. Like many members of his family, a genetic trait resulted in Nicholas' hair turning white upon reaching adolescence, which merely serves to add to his distinctive appearance.

Nicholas, his 2nd wife Adrianna Klaus (nee Katzapova), 28, and their two sons, Nicholas XXIV, 7, and Roger, 4, reside in Lapland, Finland in a custom built fifteen bedroom Alpine Chalet style mansion on the grounds of the Xmas Inc. office complex. The mansion is situated near Nicholas' own runway and hangar, where his private jet, Rudolph 1, is kept on 24 hour standby.

Nicholas had been previously married to the first Mrs Klaus (Mary) for many years. They had no children together. Nicholas had always blamed this on his weak libido and work stresses.

Their marriage broke down unexpectedly in 2003, around the time that Nicholas was first asked to be a corporate sponsor for Ultimo, where he would meet Adrianna Katzapova, a former Miss Russia. The pair promptly married and his first son, Nicholas XXIV was born later that year.

Nicholas is staunchly Liberal and makes regular and sizable donations to many left wing political parties, including the US Democratic Party and the UK Labour Party. Nicholas regularly meets with Presidents and Prime Ministers from across the globe, who all consider him to be highly knowledgeable and a good source of advice about issues regarding the global economy.

The Klaus Corporation

The monetary resources at the disposal of the Klaus family are extensive. Nicholas Klaus I's successful shipping industry was followed by centuries of developing other successful business interests ranging from North Sea oil production and investment banking to pharmaceutical development and automotive design.

Klaus Corp. is the overarching business entity in which all subsidiaries are contained. Nicholas Klaus XXIII is the Chairman of the Board. The company was floated on the New York Stock Exchange in 1976 for $1.17 per share, netting the company over $100 billion overnight. Shares rose considerably during the dot com boom of the late 1990s and have been considered to be an extremely wise investment ever since. The recent global financial crisis has seen Klaus Corp. profits plateau, but nevertheless, in 2011, total revenue was estimated at $361.54 billion, making it the world's 2nd largest Corporation, above Exxon Mobil, and just behind Wal-Mart. In GDP terms, this makes Klaus Corp a more powerful economic entity than Thailand.

Much of the day to day running of Klaus Corp has been directed by an executive management team for many years, which has left Nicholas free to focus his attentions on the family’s most cherished business concern, Christmas Incorporated (Xmas Inc.).

Xmas Inc.

Xmas Inc. is a social enterprise with the primary goal of ensuring that every 'nice' child in the world receives a present at Christmas time. This is an ambition that has never been fully realised, as due to poor infrastructure in many developing nations, Xmas Inc. has only ever managed to hit a 43% distribution target worldwide. Nicholas Klaus has made it his personal quest to ensure that this figure is at 60% before he passes the reins on to his son, Nicholas XXIV.

The Xmas Inc. head office is situated in Lapland, Finland. Finnish tax laws relating to industries of a largely philanthropic nature coupled with a low rate of Corporate Tax make Lapland a financially viable location for the business to be based.

The Xmas Inc. main offices are staffed by a 5,000 person administrative workforce, whose duties relate generally to finance, human resources, communication, and logistical oversight. Xmas Inc. prides itself on having a very transparent system of equal rights employment, which for reasons unclear, has led to a large percentage of people with dwarfism working in the Lapland based offices.

Revenue Streams

As the nature of Xmas Inc. business is to distribute free Christmas presents on a global scale, their colossal expenditure needs to be balanced with sufficient revenue. Much of the funding for Xmas Inc. is generated from donations made by Klaus Corp. shareholders. These donations equate to a percentage of the annual dividend and are an accepted part of buying Klaus Corp stocks.

The other major source of revenue comes from advertising tie ins. Xmas Inc owns several copyrights, patents and image rights which are made available to other companies in return for annual royalties. In particular, Nicholas' own image is a highly profitable source of income, with many major companies choosing to use the image to market their own products.

John Bauble of the Chartered Institute of Taxation stated: "It is quite common for celebrities and other key public figures to put various capital items – such as image rights – into a company. That allows income to flow to the company and be taxed there at corporation tax rates".

To date, the Coca-Cola Company has been the biggest purchaser of Xmas Inc image rights and has paid several billion dollars annually for the privilege.

Despite being offered considerable sums, Xmas Inc. has refused to grant exclusivity of these rights to any individual business - stating that Father Christmas "should belong to the world".

Operations

Incoming Communications

Key to the successful operation of Xmas Inc. is their Incoming Communications department. Managed by Kevin Pinecone (4ft 4"), the department handles the large volume of 'Dear Santa' notifications sent directly to the Lapland Offices. The majority of these still come by post and are sorted in the mail room before being sent to a large data processing team to be entered into the company database. In recent times though, Kevin's department has been managing an increasingly large amount of e-mail, tweets and requests submitted to the Xmas Inc. Facebook page.

In a recent interview for Short People Magazine, Kevin stated that "The introduction of social media has really created a whole new industry at Xmas Inc. We have had to adapt to changes in technology very quickly, but we feel confident that our system for screening and processing 'Dear Santa' requests is as efficient and effective as it could possibly be.

NORN Enforcement Team

The 'Naughty or Nice' enforcement team are employed to ensure that only the good children are eligible to receive presents from Xmas Inc. In order to be able to accurately assess this, Xmas Inc has access to education reports and criminal records for many nations across the world. It has been able to do this thanks to a clause in the UN backed International Freedom of Information Act, section 7, subsection 2 - which states that 'Xmas Inc have legitimate authority to make a list, and check it twice, so they can find out who's naughty or nice'.

To ensure compliance with the Xmas Inc. 'nice' criteria - children worldwide are encouraged to:

• Watch out
• Not cry
• Not pout
• Be good for goodness sake

'Naughty or Nice' Enforcement Team Manager, Emma Tinsel (4ft 2"), said "despite the nature of our work, my team does not attempt to be punitive in regards to assessing key behavioural information - and we try to see the good in everyone. Unfortunately though, in recent times the naughty/nice ratio has been tipped heavily towards the naughty side, suggesting a temporary breakdown in the fabric of society".

Purchasing

Contrary to popular myth, Xmas Inc. does not produce the majority of the presents that it distributes, but instead employs the world's largest purchasing department which is responsible for placing large volume orders from major consumer brands on an annual basis. Xmas Inc buyers are notorious for their ruthlessly competitive approach when it comes to getting the best deals for the company.

Chief purchaser John Cranberry (4ft 1") said "I will literally prostitute myself to a sales team to ensure that I get maximum value for the company’s money. Literally".

Distribution

It is a quirky legend, somewhat encouraged by Xmas Inc, that Nicholas Klaus delivers all of the presents himself. In reality, this is obviously quite ludicrous, so instead, Xmas Inc. oversees the world's largest and most complex distribution network. One of Klaus Corps subsidiary companies, Reindeer Logistics is contracted to work solely for Xmas Inc during the Holiday season.

The process starts in a giant underground Goods-In warehouse located in Svalbard, Norway where several thousand people are employed to take receipt of incoming deliveries and sort them into their respective deployment blocks ready to be moved and loaded on to a designated aircraft.

Reindeer Logistics owns has a fleet of 702 cargo planes - making it the largest cargo airline in the world – both in terms of fleet and freight tons flown. Each plane is given one of eight deployment names which relate to their connection to specific parts the globe:

• Donner/Asia
• Blitzen /Australasia
• Comet/Northern Europe
• Cupid/Southern Europe
• Prancer/North America
• Dancer/South America
• Vixen/North Africa & The Middle East
• Dasher/Southern & Western Africa

All are emblazoned with the Reindeer Logistics logo and due to their colossal workloads, are a common sight in the skies above us during late November - December.

Upon delivery to their country of residence, all presents are transported via a fleet of Reindeer Logistic trucks to a designated Xmas Inc Warehouse. From here local couriers take them to their final holding destinations which will be located in the town or city that they have been labelled for.

This is where the Father Christmas Operatives (FCOs) take over. Wearing a replica of the famous Klaus family uniform, these employees of Xmas Inc, who number in the thousands, deliver presents within a specific area. Typically, there is one FCO in every town on the Xmas Inc deployment register. Large Cities are broken down into smaller suburbs, again with one FCO per designated area.

Take for instance Bob Bethlehem, of Lewiston, Idaho. Bob has been operating as the local Father Christmas for 25 years. He earns a good salary for his seasonal work and receives a sizable bonus for hitting a 100% delivery target.

Bob was recently nominated for the North American Outstanding FCO Award. Speaking to the Lewiston Herald in an interview following the nomination, Bob said; "Being a FCO for Xmas Inc is a privilege and an honour. It's given me an opportunity to give something back to the community and it also provides me with a competitive pension scheme".

If Bob wins, he will receive an all expenses paid family holiday to Lapland where he will meet up with the winners from other continents and will compete for the highly prestigious Xmas Inc. FCO of the Year Award. Should he make it to this finish line, he will have the unparalleled honour of being invited to dinner with his idol and hero, Nicholas Klaus XXIII. Asked about this, Bob said;

"To think that I could be sitting enjoying a fine meal with the great man himself is almost too much to take in. He means so much to so many...." Bob broke down at this moment and had to be helped to his feet.

Contrary to popular belief, FCOs operate during the entire of December rather than just on 24th-25th. This ensures that they have ample time in which to reach their 100% delivery target. FCOs are given legal precedent to enter a person's house without their consent, and a key skill of a good FCO is lock-picking.

Unfortunately for the reputation of Xmas Inc., several FCOs have been dismissed for violating the trust placed in them, and while in the process of delivering presents, have been known to steal other items from the owner's property. Most notorious was the case of FCO 513448, aka Christopher Cringle (aged 64) from Middlesboro, England.

In the act of delivering a 'my little pony' stable set to Stacey, aged 8, Mr Cringle stole two Television sets, a Anthony Worrall Thompson Blender and £400 pounds worth of gold jewellery. Cringle was arrested, sacked by Xmas Inc. and subsequently prosecuted by Middlesboro Crown Court for burglary. For Xmas Inc. though, the damage was already done and it was a PR catastrophe which took years to recover from.

Despite these occasional problems, most FCOs are honest, upstanding individuals who pride themselves on being a local Father Christmas. There are over 220'000 FCOs currently working world wide.

The Credit Crisis

The global financial crisis of 2008 hit Xmas Inc hard. Increasing energy costs and global inflation caused a sharp spike in ordering and distribution costs and the company was forced to make cuts in its workforce.

Once again though, Xmas Inc's parent corporation Klaus Corp was able to shield it from the worst effects, and shareholder donations and royalty payments on image rights have continued to be sufficient for Xmas Inc to maintain a 40% annual distribution target.

Thankful for this good fortune, Nicholas Klaus has vowed to do everything in his power to help bring an end to the world's financial woes. Despite being a staunch anti imperialist, he is now working closely with the IMF and the World Bank to try and help them to get the global economy moving again. He was recently quoted as saying:

"Despite the fact that some of these people wouldn't know the meaning of Christmas Spirit if it fell on them, as a humanitarian, I feel that it is my duty to use my 50 years of experience in world trade to try and help them to find a solution to our troubles"

This intervention has been heralded by commentators as the potential turning point in the economic crisis and rallies honouring Mr Klaus have been held worldwide.

So now do you believe?

Perhaps as you were reading this, you started to forget that it was just a tall story. Perhaps.

What is certainly true is that if I can create such an elaborate tale with little more than a keyboard, access to the internet and a working knowledge of Google, then what the hell else have we been made to believe?

Anyhow, I hope I've stirred up a bit of Christmas spirit in anyone reading this. In the words of the great Nicholas Klaus XXIII, "Merry Christmas, one and all".