Sequels & Remakes

One of the more common criticisms that has been levelled at Hollywood recently is the one about the creative minds being unable to think of anything new and interesting to write about, and as such, choosing to cash in on established movie franchises through the production of an endless stream of sequels and remakes.

Personally, I don't entirely agree with this criticism, as I believe that it is our love of famous stories and their respective characters that drives a need for such replications. Throughout history, this has been the case in many mediums. For instance, there have been so many versions of the Bible, written in so many different languages, that no one has ever been able precisely agree on which is the most authentic, but what they have in common is that all were written to satisfy demand.

So well loved and so ingrained in the fabric of popular literature are the works of Shakespeare and Dickens, that they have been remade, rebooted, chopped and changed more times than my old Nan's had meals on wheels.

Quite simply, in many cases, the failure to update popular works can result in them disappearing from the public consciousness altogether. In this regard, and given the apparent downturn of Christianity in the UK it may indeed be time for a 21st Century bible. I mean, let’s face it, who doesn't want to see J.Christ taking out the money lenders in the temple with an Uzi 9mm and a rocket launcher?



For me it is simply a matter of pandering to the preferences of an audience, and if that audience wants to see 'more of the same' then if anything, the creative minds are duty bound to continue to serve up tried and tested products.

Don't get me wrong though, whilst I have little issue with the concept of replicating successful formula, it is also quite obvious that in many cases, it is greed and laziness that becomes the prime motivating factor.

On that note, it is time to turn the focus back to Hollywood. It certainly does seem like there have been a raft of sequels and remakes in recent times, some of them brilliant and some of them awful. Let's take a closer look.....

Sequels



Put simply, a sequel is a movie that in terms of events, characters and other general happenings, follows on from its predecessor.

Sequels are the bread and butter of the Hollywood machine. They are also the films that are most readily identified as being guilty of the 'cashing in' concept that I mentioned. When a film does well at the box office, as well as lining the pockets of the executive producers, it is an iron-clad indication that there is demand for more of the same, and the proverbial green light is switched on for the production of further movies in the series.

The trouble is, that quite often, the film studios just don't know when enough is enough. They'll squeeze every last drop of cash out the franchise. Much like an obsessive-compulsive person will drain the dregs out of a HP sauce bottle, they just can't help themselves.



A perfect example in recent years have been the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. The first of these was an instant classic, an honest to goodness family entertainment film which captivated the imagination of children and adults alike. It was a good old yarn about heroes, villains and buried treasure. But then came the sequels.....

In the case of Pirates, there have been three sequels so far and they've all been garbage. The third one was especially pants, with certain parts of the film being borderline unwatchable and incomprehensible in regards to the plot.


"At my wit's end more like"

Pirates supports a well held opinion that the good majority of sequels are much poorer in overall quality than their predecessors and that each additional follow-up film gets progressively more shite.

This phenomenon applies to any number of films, but for some reason seems most prevalent in the Horror genre. The life of a horror film franchise is generally as follows:

• 1st Film - Imaginative, blood curling tale of terror
• 1st Sequel/Prequel - Watchable - but seen it all before
• 2nd Sequel/Prequel - Shite
• 3rd Sequel/Prequel - Laughably shite
• Further sequels - Straight to DVD. Uber-Shite

The general trait of sequels being worse than their predecessors does have some benefits though. You can generally assume with a near guaranteed certainty that if the original film was garbage, then the sequel will be spectacularly crap, thus saving yourself the ordeal of watching them. A good case in point is Big Momma's House 2 (2006) - the cinematic equivalent of Gonorrhoea.


"less appreciated than a Sexually Transmitted Disease"

On the flip-side though, if the original film was excellent there is a very good chance that despite not being quite as good, the immediate sequel at least, will still be brilliant too. The best example of this is probably Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991).



The first Terminator movie is one of my personal favourites and many would even argue that the sequel is slightly better. I would disagree - as whilst also brilliant, the film lacked something of the raw intensity of the original (as well as the cheap sounding but hugely effective techno soundtrack).

However, assuming that a sequel with a remarkably good predecessor is also guaranteed to be decent is a mistake too. One of the best examples of this is with the 'Jaws' films. You see, the first Jaws wasn't just good, it was exceptional. It set a standard for the summer blockbuster which has rarely been surpassed. Of course, the absence of the masterful Steven Spielberg at the directorial helm didn't help, but nevertheless, the sequels were dross - especially the one with Michael Caine.


"You were only supposed to bite my bloody legs off"

The real Holy Grails of sequels are the ones that are unquestionably better than their originals. These however, are a rare find indeed. Some people would quote Empire Strikes Back (1980) or the Godfather Part 2 (1974) at this point, and they would have a solid reason for doing so, but I would struggle to definitively argue the case for their superiority in either case.

Empire introduced a darker side (mind the pun) to the Star Wars story but the initial 'punch' that propelled Star Wars: A New Hope into the stratosphere was impossible to fully replicate. In the case of the Godfather Part 2 (1974), it was a rich, multi layered epic that spanned two generations of the Corleone family, but the absence of the stage stealing Marlon Brando was certainly felt - despite Robert De Niro putting in a fine shift as the young Vito Corleone.


"Are you talkin' to me?.....Hang on, wrong film"

Finally on the subject of sequels, sometimes they form part of a trilogy or a longer film collection and because of this, they can be more easily forgiven for existing. Unfortunately, this doesn't necessarily they're always good.

Usually, the best trilogies/series are the ones that are pre-planned - as in that it was always intended that the whole plot would span the course of several films before it could properly conclude. This is often because the films in question are based on existing works of literature, but can also be the result of good direction and planning. A noteworthy point here is that trilogies and series tend to buck the trend of the increasingly shit sequels phenomenon, as while there may be a crap iteration along the way, the collection can only really be judged on an overall basis.

The Godfather trilogy helps to support this point as most people would agree that the third film was vastly inferior to the preceeding two, but that as a whole the trilogy is one of the best around.

To ensure the success of multi film series', the movie studios will go as far as to sign deals to ensure that the director and cast members will commit to the lot. The best example of this was probably the stupendously ambitious, but ultimately brilliant Lord of the Rings trilogy, in which the cast and crew were all present and accounted for from the first shot to the last. This consistency helped to ensure the success of this masterful trilogy.



The other kinds of trilogies/series are those which can simply occur because of the success of the original.

To start on a high note, Star Wars sort of falls into this category. The great bearded one, Mr George Lucas nearly bankrupted himself making the first film, and while he claims to have initially planned for a trilogy, there can be no doubt that if Star Wars: Episode 4 (1977) had been badly received, the others would have never seen the light of day. Of course it just happened to become one of the most successful and lucrative films of all time, so the remaining two films were given the go ahead and what resulted was one of the best loved trilogies in film history.



Unfortunately though, for every yin there is a yang, and in the world of unplanned trilogies, that yang is The Matrix (1999). The first Matrix came out of nowhere. Released in the same year as the highly anticipated Star Wars Episode 1 (1999), it was not thought that it would stand up against big George's latest installment of Intergalactic high jinx...but then people saw it.

The Matrix was a triumph in modern cinematic science fiction. While Star Wars eventually proved to be the biggest disappointment since England got knocked out of Euro 96, the Matrix was lauded as being one of the best films of the decade. Its brilliantly original and highly philosophical storyline coupled with its high octane, mind blowing action sequences made for a near perfect popcorn flick. But once again, then came the sequels......



It seemed as if the masterminds behind the Matrix, the Wachowski Brothers, became so drunk on their own success that they had decided that any old guff would be welcomed with open arms. It wasn't. The rest of the trilogy was naff. The sequels were so vastly inferior to the original that at times, despite having the same cast and characters, they barely seemed to have anything in common with the original at all.

Remakes



Remakes are completely unlike sequels. They are, as you would rightly guess, an attempt to recreate a film that is already in existence, using the same characters and a very similar story line.

They reinforce my early point that sometimes a particular story is so well loved, that people clamor to see new and different interpretations of it - and for this reason the existence of many remakes is totally justified.

In recent times, technological advancements have led to the emergence of a great number of remakes, as modern special effects and cinematography has allowed certain films to be re imagined in a style that is more fitting for the subject and could not have been previously achieved. Once again though, this hasn't always been a good thing.

A prime target for criticism is War of the Worlds (2005). The original film was a remake of kinds in itself, following the wildly successful and controversial radio broadcast of the same name. The original movie of War of the Worlds (1953) was a sci fi classic and regardless of its dated effects still held up as a damn good film in its own right. The 2005 remake was not entirely crap and the special effects were certainly impressive, but somewhere along the line it lost its soul to the Hollywood machine and was left looking a bit flat in comparison.

Occupying a significantly higher place in the all time worst remakes ever list , was the 2001 rehash of one of the most cherished sci fi classics of all time, Planet of the Apes (1968). This was a shining example of when something should just be left alone. The reinvention reins were handed over to the legendary director, Tim Burton, who rather uncharacteristically, proceeded to butcher it. For starters, the casting was appalling, with Marky-Mark Wahlberg stepping into the shoes of the great Charlton Heston - and then dragging said shoes through a great big pile of Gorilla shit. The script was brutalised and seemed to completely lose any resemblance to the original the longer it went on. The ending, which I reluctantly won't 'spoil' was outright guff, and pissed on the memory of the best closing twists in modern film.



The 'best left alone' tag applies to a vast swathe of remakes. In some instances it beggars belief that anyone would try to reinvent something that was almost perfect. For although, it is often audience demand that drives the studios to re-imagine existing films, there are also cases where there can be no added benefit from new technology and where the collective audience would just prefer the tinkering fools to let things be. Chief among the examples of these was the 1998 remake of Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho (1960).



I'm pretty sure that the grand master of the suspense drama would be rolling in his grave if he knew that Anthony Perkins' chilling rendition of Norman Bates would be reinvented using an actor (Vince Vaughn) best known for his energetic comedy turns.



At present, there are two particular remakes in the pipeline that also fit this bill; Robocop and The Thing. I can stone-wall guarantee that at least one, if not both of these will be hugely disappointing.

Robocop (1987), with its memorable lead character, ultra-violence and sardonically dystopian view of a Corporate led future world, really stood out as a 80s classic. Arguably, it could benefit from some of the recent advancements in Special Effects technology, but then again, can any amount of computer based wizardry really top the moment in the original when a toxic waste drenched henchmen explodes into messy goop after being run down by a high speed vehicle?



The Thing (1982) was a remake itself, but one that really did benefit from an update. It was a genuinely terrifying film that relied as much on atmosphere at it did on grotesque make up effects. Personally, I can't imagine that new tech is going to improve on the previous version in any discernable way. In any case, it was primarily the masterful direction of horror maestro John Carpenter that made the 1982 film a classic.



Fortunately, there are some fantastic examples out there too. In 2010, the remake of the John Wayne western classic True Grit (1969) was released. For many western fans, this was tantamount to sacrilege - but they shouldn't have been concerned. True Grit was a real testament to the original. The script was re-enacted nearly word for word and the plot was identical - which while earmarking it for criticism, proved to be a good call. The remake paid its dues to the original, while simultaneously reinvigorating it thanks to some outstanding performances from Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon and Hayley Steinfeld and of course from top class direction courtesy of the legendary Coen Brothers.



Another kind of remake is the cross cultural reinvention. This is when foreign films are reimagined for a more 'western' audience. This can prove to be very successful as it can bring a whole new set of viewers to a story that would otherwise pass them by. Perhaps the best example of this is the Magnificent Seven (1960), which was a cross cultural remake of the Seven Samurai; a tale of legendary heroes riding across the land to save innocent villagers from villainous bandits. In the case of the Magnificent Seven, just substitute Feudal Japan with the Old West and you've got an excellent new take on a classic story of good and evil.




Sadly, cross cultural remakes are mainly garbage when compared to their originals. Some of the things that make the originals good seem to get lost in translation. Take the Japanese cult classic, Battle Royale (2000) - a story about malevolent school children who are sent to a remote island to fight to the death.



The concept itself could only have been borne in Japanese culture, so naturally when Hollywood adopted it, they pandered to what they understood to be western sensibilities and turned it into a 'gung-ho' action flick starring Stone Cold Steve Austin and Vinnie Jones. Needless to say, it was terrible!


"Otherwise known as 90 minutes of running about and grunting"

The last kind of remake is known as 'the reboot'. Reboots mainly apply to film franchises and series' rather than specific films. Unlike normal remakes, the period of time that elapses between the original and the reboot doesn't have to be too long. A reboot also allows a complete change in cast, direction, style and story (although key plot-lines and characters must remain) - so it is a perfect way to reinvigorate a dying franchise - and of course, to make more $$$.



A good example of a reboot in the making is the upcoming Amazing Spiderman (2012). It's only been just under ten years since the first Spiderman film was released - which itself was a welcome reboot of the Marvel franchise and followed the awfully camp series of films that screened in the 1970s-80s. Columbia Pictures produced three of these films, of which the first and second were decent, while in typical sequel style, the third was garbage.

The relative failure of Spiderman 3 (2007) helped the studio to reach the conclusion that rather than continue to produce further sequels, the would opt for a reboot. There will now be a brand new cast, a new interpretation of the comic book story and of course they'll be hoping that with this comes a bumper payday.


"Ooh it's gone all dark and brooding. I wonder where in Gotham City they got THAT idea from?"

Comic book films such as Spiderman are ripe for the occasional reboot, as they are highly lucrative franchises and can generate all sorts of lovely new revenue streams (Anyone for a Burger King?). But to reiterate the main point of this piece, we shouldn't knock them for it, because these are the stories that most of us want to hear retold in new and different ways - and yes, we'll pay for the privilege. Also, they sometimes manage to bag a winner.

Take for instance the story of Batman. From the campy Adam West Batman TV series of the 1960s, to the horrendously bad Batman and Robin (1997), there have been many attempts at rebooting the franchise. However the most recent reimagining of this classic comic book tale absolutely wipes the floor with all of its predecessors. Helped once again by a brilliantly assembled cast and directed by one of the best film makers of this century, Christopher Nolan, it has helped to make the entire genre more respected in the film world.



Like with everything else though, not all reboots are successful or necessary. One of the prime targets for criticism was the A-Team. The casting was terrible (Liam Neeson replacing George Peppard, seriously?) and it just couldn't seem to decide whether it wanted to parody the original series or be a more serious take on the concept. At any rate, the moment they chose to turn BA Baracus into a pacifist was the moment I had to ring my insurance company to claim accidental damage to my flat screen TV. What were they thinking?



Thus concludes my guide to sequels and remakes. Sorry if it's felt a bit of a long one, but this is a subject that I truly love and even at this length I still feel I've skipped a lot of important details. Anyhow, if you managed to stick with it, I hope you enjoyed the read!

Here are my lists of the best and worst of the sequel and remake types that I've talked about, in no particular order. These are my choices, so you may not agree, but please do use the comments box to share your views on the matter.

5 Great Sequels

1. Empire Strikes Back (1980)
2. The Godfather Part 2 (1974)
3. Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991)
4. Aliens (1986)
5. Back to the Future Pt 3 (1990) - I love westerns and sci fi, what can I say!

5 terrible sequels of good films

1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 (2007)
2. Jaws: the Revenge (1987)
3. Robocop 3 (1993)
4. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)
5. The Matrix Reloaded (2003) /Revolutions (2003)- can't decide which one was the worst

5 most needless sequels (given that the originals were shite)

1. Big Momma's House 2 (2006)
2. Beethoven's 2nd (1993)
3. Cheaper by the Dozen 2 (2005)
4. Into the Blue 2: The Reef (2009) - straight to video I might add
5. Scary Movie 2,3,4,5.........

5 Great Trilogies/series

1. Star Wars Trilogy
2. The Godfather Trilogy
3. The Bourne Trilogy
4. The Rocky Collection
5. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy

5 excellent remakes

1. True Grit (2010)
2. The Fly (1986)
3. The Thing (1982)
4. Scarface (1983)
5. Cape Fear (1991)

5 piss poor remakes

1. Planet of the Apes (2001)
2. Psycho (1998)
3. Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)
4. The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008)
5. The Pink Panther (2006)- Shameful, shameful, shameful!

5 bad examples of cross cultural remakes

1. Battle Royale (Jpn)- The Condemned (USA)
2. The Ring (Jpn) - The Ring (USA)
3. Get Carter (UK) - Get Carter (USA)
4. The Italian Job (UK) - The Italian Job (USA)
5. Taxi (France) - Taxi (USA)

5 noteworthy reboots

1. Batman Begins (2005)
2. Superman (1978)
3. Spiderman (2002)
4. Starsky and Hutch (2004)
5. Casino Royale (2006)

Operation Dry Roasted: Mission Overview

Following the successful conquests of Tettenhall, Compton and Finchfield during Operation Pork Scratching, the top brass is now recommending that we set our sights on the areas known as Penn and Bradmore. Detailed route mapping will follow, but be warned gentleman, this may be our toughest assignment yet. We have limited Intel on many of the hot spots earmarked for incursion and locals are to be treated as hostile unless clearly identified as otherwise. We're going in via Chinook, with the first stop high in the Wolverhampton hills. It's gonna be a long hard slog, but if anyone can do it, we can.

Mission parameters are as per usual - navigate the designated route, incorporating a brief skirmish in every selected incursion zone and make it to the exfiltration point in one piece. Failure is not an option.

On an added note, due to the timing of this mission, weather conditions may prove difficult. Troops should be prepared for Alpine Warfare conditions and should plan accordingly.

As ever, your mission command will be as follows:

Maj. Steve Cartwright - Callsign: 'The Beard'

Maj. Richard Bladon- Callsign: 'The Blade'

Maj. James Hickens - Callsign: 'Chest-night'

Maj. James McFarland - Callsign: 'Boat-man'

Maj. Paul Dutton - Callsign: 'the Metal'

The Route

Checkpoint list (click to view):

This proposed route through the urban jungle of Penn and Bradmore and into the Capital itself will incorporate an unprecedented 16 checkpoints. Compare this to the 11 official checkpoints that formed the mission schedule for Operation Pork Scratching, and you're looking at one unforgiving bitch of a trek through hostile territory. The 'Unholy Trinity' skirmishes that denote the final assault on Wolverhampton City Centre will be a particular grueling series of battles, fought in quick succession. Heavy casualties are to be expected:

SUMMARY

• No of Checkpoints - 16
• Total Mission Distance - 4.71miles
• Average Distance between checkpoints - 0.314miles
• Maximum Distance between checkpoints - 0.92miles (cp6 -cp7)

KEY RISKS TO MISSION SUCCESS

• Number of Checkpoints
  
• 4.71 mile distance
• Boatman's bladder
  
• The beer sniper (continues to be the scourge of the Occasional Afternoon Piss-heads)
  
• U.D.I's (Unidentified Drunken Injuries)
• Disgruntled locals
• Kidney Failure
  
• Crossing roads
• Possible Arctic conditions

Aerial Flyover - Route starts at 28sec (google plugin may be required):

All mission intel is still to be sanctioned by O.A.P command. For validation of mission dates and confirmation of troop participation, please contact Mission HQ

'Beard' out.

Once more unto the breach......

Somewhere in the darkest recesses of old Wolverhampton, the lights of a neon Budweiser sign flickered briefly, illuminating the outline of a man slouching on a stool at the bar in a dingy backstreet pub. He held a glass in one hand and a bottle of Whiskey in the other.

The air in the bar was stale and thick smoke hung in the room like freezing fog on a cold, February morning. A barmaid stood watching a mid-afternoon chat show on a wall mounted TV while she cleaned glasses with a damp rag. Several old drunks, sat crowded around a table in the corner of the room drinking their day away.

The man sitting at the bar coughed gruffly.

"Can I get you anything?" inquired the barmaid cautiously, taking his cough as a call for service.

"No!" retorted the man aggressively. "Just you can just mind your own business and leave me be."

"Sure, sure honey. I'm just doing my job, that's all" she replied apologetically.

The barmaid edged away and resumed cleaning glasses again while the man refilled his glass from the bottle of Whiskey and returned to his thoughts...

It had been months since it had all happened, but the memories were still firmly lodged in his mind. The sheer horror of everything that had taken place had almost been too much to bear at times.



They had told him that the mission was a complete success. They had honoured him and told him that he was a hero. They had told him that he'd made his country proud.



In fact, they had told him a lot of things, but they had never said that he wouldn't be able to sleep properly again and that night after night, he'd wake up screaming from the terrible visions that tormented him in his dreams.



Still, the Whiskey helped at least.





He gazed at the wall and stroked his unshaven chin. He had sworn that his soldiering days were over and that the quiet life was going to be the life for him. He didn't realise that this dream was about to be shattered.

With a loud crash, the door of the bar flung open, flooding the dingy room with natural light. The barmaid jumped and the old geezers in the corner rose from their apparent slumber. In the doorway, the silhouette of a man appeared.



"I'm looking for the one they call the Blade." he barked.

"That's me!" replied the man at bar, without looking up. "Who's asking?" he snarled.

The man in the doorway stepped forward. He was a young solider, smartly dressed in his formal military uniform.

"Sir, you have to come with me immediately" he commanded.

Major Richard Bladon tightened his grip around the Whiskey bottle.

"I ain't going anywhere son", he quipped. "My days of being ordered around are over".

"Major. You're going to come with me now"

The soldier placed his hand firmly on Major Bladon's right shoulder.

"Whether you like it or not!"



With a swift flurry of motion, Major Bladon suddenly smashed the Whiskey bottle over the bar with his left hand, removed the soldier's arm from his shoulder with his right, and with lightning speed, pinned the young soldier against the nearby wall and pressed the broken end of the bottle into his neck.

The barmaid screamed and one of the old drunks in the corner fell off his seat in shock.



"Like I said. I ain't going anywhere" he growled.

"Take your hands off him Blade! He's just a grunt" quipped a new voice from the door of the bar.



Major Bladon loosened his grip on the petrified young soldier and turned to address the bold figure now standing in the doorway. The young soldier slumped down onto the floor and breathed a sigh of relief.

"You look out of shape Metal! What's the matter? MOD got you pushing too many pencils?" mocked Major Bladon - instantly recognising his old associate.

"What can I say? It's been a quiet few months Blade, I'll give you that. But I can still mix it with the best of them. Anyway, you look like you've seen better days too!" retorted Major Paul 'the Metal' Dutton.

"I don't know what you mean. I'm feeling tip-top. Me and my friend Jack Daniels here are doing just fine!" spluttered Major Bladon, nodding towards the broken bottle by his side.



"Well you can say your farewells to Jack, because you've got to come with me! There's some old friends of yours waiting outside, and knowing them, they'll be getting pretty impatient by now!" warned Major Dutton.

"They're all here?" quizzed Major Bladon.

"Yep. All of them!"

Major Bladon sighed reluctantly. "Well I'd better not keep them waiting I suppose"

Major Dutton ushered his old friend towards the door.

As Major Bladon left, he placed a few crumpled bank notes on the bar and looked the frightened barmaid straight in the eye. "This is for the Whiskey....and the damage"



As he left, he nodded down towards the fallen soldier. "Oh, and somebody pick him up!"

Stepping outside onto the pavement, the sunlight was blinding and Major Bladon squinted as his eyesight adjusted to the new conditions.



A white Humvee screeched up in front of him and a tinted window rolled down to reveal a portly figure in the passenger seat. He nodded mockingly towards Major Bladon.



"Are you ready for it then Blade?" asked the man.

"Ready for what exactly, Boatman?" Major Bladon shouted back at his old comrade.

"I'll let him tell you" Major James 'Boatman' Mcfarland said as he pointed a thumb to an unseen figure behind him.

The back door of the Humvee opened and a short, bearded man in combat fatigues and aviator sunglasses stepped out onto the street.

Reaching into his pocket and putting his old cigar to his mouth, the one they all called 'The Beard' replied;



"For Operation Dry Roasted, Major Bladon! We're going back to war!"

TO BE CONTINUED

Operation Dry Roasted is scheduled for Late November/Early December 2011. Local weather conditions may result in an Alpine warfare situation, so thermal fatigues and arctic survival kits may be required.

The route is to still be determined and the infiltration date is yet to be confirmed.

Further information is highly classified and will be disseminated on a need to know basis.

Hang on to your hats people, it's going to be a bumpy ride.....


If you think that are made of the right stuff, click here to contact Operation HQ and you may be drafted in to join the veterans who form the core of the O.A.P (Occasional Afternoon Piss-heads) company on what is sure to be another heroic campaign. A full account of the previous tour - Operation Pork Scratching - has now been declassified and is available to the general public.


This post was written one day prior to Armistice Day in 2011 and is my tribute (albeit a rather odd one!) to all the men and women who have laid down their lives in the name of this country. I truly appreciate everything they have done for us and I will raise my glass to them all.

Vomit inducing television

There have been some truly atrocious bits of guff that have passed for popular entertainment over the years. For some unfathomable reason it has always seemed to be the prime-time "lights, camera, action" cabaret style crap, with its over familiar, somewhat vacuous looking presenters that has been most cherished by the nation of telly lovers.

However,the last ten years have proven to be the true renaissance of telly turd. Thanks to the dawning of easily accessible multi channel programming, there is now a much greater variety of shite on the box than ever before.

It seems that our collective appetite for audio-visual tripe is more insatiable than ever before, and as such a barrel-load of new crap is relentlessly delivered to our living rooms every day.



I felt compelled to write this after the appearance of one of the worst TV programmes ever to be commissioned - Red or Black.

Red or Black is yet another steaming pile of turd conceived in the brain of TV's version of the Anti-Christ, Simon Cowell. The show gave its contestants the opportunity to win a cool £million through a process no more complex than tossing a coin. It was of course, needlessly jazzed up with the familiar tomfoolery of Geordie midgets Ant and Dec and a procession of 'popular' entertainers plugging their respective wares between tasks.



My main problem with this show is that is promoted the idea that you can make your fortune on the whim of complete chance - and this is exactly the message that it conveys to the viewer. There is absolutely no level of ability required at all. I am not exaggerating when I say that a laboratory rat has as much chance of bagging the million in this show as any of the contestants who actually participate.

The completely lack of any skill requirement makes winning 'Deal or No Deal' seem like the game-show equivalent of writing an equation to explain the complete workings of the entire universe.

Red or Black is by no means the only example of the widespread cack that occupies our goggle boxes.

Here are my picks for the cream of the crap:

X-Factor



I must confess to actually enjoying this programme, but my bias does not detract from the fact that it really is appallingly bad television. X-Factor would be more appropriately titled 'four wankers destroy your dreams'.

In each series, the complete nutters and the tone deaf are easily weeded out by the self-professed overlords of the music industry quite early on in the process. However, in the later stages we see the hopes of genuinely talented people crushed in favour of the promotion of others who are perceived by the panel of smarmy fuckers to offer a greater level of entertainment for the telly nation to absorb - like this Brazilian nut-job (who quite coincidentally was once my boss at a double glazing firm):



Of course, the 'dream crushing' antics of these so-called judges are exactly what some people enjoy watching. It is a sad human trait that we are able to find amusement in the complete breakdown of others. Simon Cowell has clearly recognised this condition, and has therefore made his millions profiting from the misery and despair of others (much like Robert Mugabe in a sense)

Take Me Out



I cannot confess to watching this one regularly, mainly because it offends me so much that I want to punch Patrick McGuinness in the balls (repeatedly).

Look more closely at this ghastly affair, and it appears that the producers have been inspired by the manifesto of the Third Reich. Namely that anyone falling short of Aryan-like physical superiority should be removed from the general populous and henceforth be refused the right to breed.

The following excerpt from the show just about sums up this particular shit-fest. Listen very closely to the last few seconds of the clip to hear this total arse refer to himself in the third person - a trait usually reserved for only the highest calibre of tosser:



I have never seen anyone short of supermodel quality get even close to winning this show. It is yet another sad indictment of TV land that the viewer is encouraged to believe that we should all look like these white toothed, perma-tanned morons.


The Weakest Link



I will start by congratulating the Weakest Link. It seems that the contestants appear to be a fairly normal cross section of society. There's usually a good mix of student types, single moms, middle aged men in shit jobs and the occasional quirky nutter. However, that is where my praise stops.

You see, this mish-mash of ordinary joes loses all credibility when you realise that they have willingly volunteered for a quiz show that involves them being lambasted and ridiculed by a vicious old bint for 30minutes.



It is also one of the few quiz shows in mainstream telly where the prize money is so pitiful, you'd get a better return by sticking a grand on Man Utd to beat Hereford at Old Trafford.

Here's my advice to any potential contestants: If you want to earn a few quid for being repeatedly berated by an anorexic, acid-tongued witch, go and get a job in a Boots cosmetics department.

Big Brother



The grand-daddy of reality shows is arguably the king of crap TV. It is perhaps the one programme that has been most responsible for kick-starting a decade of Televisual garbage.

The format was simple. Stick a dozen people in a house together for twelve weeks and impose a fascist regime on them which will deny them access to any information from the outside world, govern their daily activities and restrict their access to a steady food supply. Oh, and give the viewers unfettered 24 hour access to the goings-on in the house.

As it had never been tried before, the first series was actually rather good, concentrating on the psychological effects of this artificial environment on the individual housemates.

I must admit to being utterly gripped by the highlight story of Series 1, involving Nasty Nick; a particularly underhand chap with a penchant for smuggling pencils. The final ousting of this bastard made for very nail-biting, albeit rather cringe-worthy TV:



Unfortunately, every series that followed was terrible. It seemed that with every passing year the contestants became more and more unhinged and were far lesser reflection of the society that they were supposedly representing. In a mere few years, the civilised disputes of previous series had descended into the full on ape-like carnage seen in the famous season 5 ruckus:



The problem was that as the first few winners had become reasonably famous because of their appearance on BB, it served to inspire all manner of fame-hungry deviants to crawl out from under their discarded paving slabs and queue up for a stab at getting their own five minutes of fame.

This primordial soup of UK reality TV also managed to spawn an offspring that still haunts us today - the 'celebrity' reality TV show - which is identical in format to regular reality TV but is populated with even bigger bastards.

Living with....**INSERT USELESS CELEBRITY TOSSPOT HERE**



'Living with' programmes are easily the worst type of 'celebrity-reality' shows around. Examples of such are as follows:

• The Osbornes
• Keeping up with the Kardashians
• Kerry and Me
• Katie

These semi-staged productions involve a cameraman following the every waking (and sometimes sleeping) movement of the eponymous celebrities. Every last thought flickering through the Swiss cheese-esque minds of the protagonists is detailed and scrutinised to the nth degree, whether it concerns their often erratic love-lives or is merely about their decision to buy a new horse-box.



Worse still, they are usually commentated over with all the pomp and gusto you might expect in a Dickens narrative, thus re-enforcing the apparent importance of these brain-dead muppets to the viewing public.

In the early days, these kind of programmes would at least follow people who held some semblence of actual fame (i.e. Ozzy Osborne, Hulk Hogan etc), but have now become self-fulfilling fame prophecies for jaded z-listers. I say this because like some sort of mindbending existential paradox, 'the celebrity' actually becomes famous in the first place because of their programme (i.e. Kerry Katona, Jordan etc).



In fact, the power of celebrity reality TV shows is so great that it has managed to reincarnate the fortunes of Kerry Katona so many times that she has become the celebrity equivalent of Nosferatu (note to those inclined to permanently kill off her career - try a wooden stake and some holy water next time)

Personally, I'd just prefer it if they made a reality TV programme about the chap that fixes watches on my local market stall. At least he does something productive and probably has something interesting to talk about.


The Only Way Is Essex (TOWIE)



"Shhaaattttt appppp!!!!!!"

I've really saved the best/worst till last here. The latest mutation of the self-fulfilling celebrity reality show is the monstrosity known as 'The Only Way is Essex'

This car crash of a programme takes the form of a reality TV show, but is actually a stage directed dramatisation where the lines between reality and fiction are completely blurred.

The actors (and I use the term loosely) are so gormless and are so entrenched in their insulated world of spray tan, boob jobs and vajazzles that I'm not even sure theyare aware of what's real anymore. It's a bit like the Matrix for wankers.

Oh, and it recently won a fucking BAFTA! What has happened to this country?

There are other versions of this type of programme that have been emerging:

Jersey Shore - American wankers
Geordie Shore - Geordie wankers
Made In Chelsea - Posh (possibly inbred) wankers

However, it is TOWIE that steals the crown for possessing a cast of the most accomplished twats known to mankind. Some of them are literally so dense that light cannot escape from their gravitational pull.



Depressingly, judging by the outfits and spray tans sported by many teenagers these days, it seems that this programme is really starting influence our nation's youth.

So a warning to all of you; If these people become the benchmark for the aspirations of future generations, then we can forget about recovering from our current economic slump, because our nation will be lucky to be in possession of a comprehensible form of spoken language by the next decade.

Free yourselves!!!!

Now please don't think I'm criticising anyone for watching these programmes. I have already admitted watching some of them too. The trouble is that our natural impulses and baser instincts make us particularly susceptible to being hypnotised by this sort of tat. But we really do need to start weaning ourselves off this shite before our brains permanently turn to mush!

Just heed the words of the Roman Poet Juvenal (circa 100A.D). Truly a man ahead of his time:

Already long ago, from when we sold our vote to no man, the people have abdicated in our duties; for the People who once upon a time handed out military command, high civil office, legions — everything, now restrains itself and anxiously hopes for just two things: Bread and Circuses (and possibly 'What Katie did next').