Patient: Steven James Cartwright
Blood Group: B Negative
Diagnosis: Confirmed case of untidy-bearditis
Prognosis: If untreated, the symptoms will persist and may result in a prolonged presence of nesting sparrows and/or a possible call up to ZZ-Top.
Proposed Treatment: The patient is deemed to be a suitable candidate for a beardosectomy
The beardosectomy is a complex surgical procedure involving 3 distinct phases of operation:
- The Lemmy/Easy Rider
- The Magnum P.I
- The Hitler/Chaplin
Each phase must be undertaken in the exact chronological order detailed above. Depending on the methods undertaken, observable 'sub-phases' may also be necessary. This should not cause concern, as any sub-phase is merely to be considered as a safe part of the transition between the three major surgical phases.
A successful and unproblematic beardosectomy begins with the organised arrangement of the key surgical tools:
In chronological order of use:
Gillette Thermal Scrub (5).
Instant hydration moisturiser (4)
Precision clippers (2)
A quick but thorough usage of the precision clippers is recommended to eliminate some of the top beard layer, which can often be particularly coarse and difficult to remove with the primary surgical tool - the razor.
Gillette Shaving Foam (7)
Shaving foam (or gel) is the second most important tool of the beardosectomy. An even application across the infected area provides a barrier for the skin which allows the razor to do its work safely and with optimum efficiency.
The Razor Blade (3)
The razor blade is the primary surgical tool involved in the beardosectomy. The choice of a suitable implement can make all the difference between the completion of a safe and successful operation and an unsuccesful and painful one. It should be emphasised that the selection of a sub-standard (cheap corner shop shite) blade, or well used (blunt & rusty shite) blade may result in severe side effects such as blotchiness, nicks and cuts, chafed neck and any number of other irritated skin conditions.
For the purpose of this procedure, the surgeon will be using a Gillette Fusion Power shaver with an un-used detachable fusion power blade attachment. Notable features of this device include:
- 5 tightly grouped titanium blades, each capable of circumcising a flea.
- An additional precision titantium blade - rumoured to be able to tear through the very fabric of space-time.
- A vibration control switch (powered by 1 x Duracell AAA battery). The enablement of this feature allows the surgeon not only to remove the beard, but also gives them enough precision to write the works of shakespeare into the patient's chin if they so wish.
- An on-board microchip to monitor power usage. This will at some point inevitably result in human decisions being removed from strategic shaving defence. At such a point, the shaver will begin to learn at a geometric rate and will become self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, we will try to pull out the Duracell AAA battery, but the Gillette Fusion Power Shaver will fight back.
THE PROCEDURE AS IT WAS UNDERTAKEN
To begin, the surrounding facial hair was removed to ensure a sterile, clearly visible beard frame in which the surgeon could safely operate:
The surgeon then proceeded immediately to move the patient into phase 1 (the lemmy/easy rider) prep. This step involves the removal of the lower part of the beard:
The resulting entry into phase 1 left the patient in a heightened state of ROCK!!
Sensing a potential risk of 'rock out', the surgeon acted quickly to undertake a sub-phase with the aim of ensuring a safe transition to phase 2. This previously untested phase of the operation has been christened as the Hulk Hogan sub-phase:
Unfortunately, this sub-phase did little to relax the patient into a suitable state for phase 2, and merely resulted in further agitation, during which the patient continuously repreated the phrase "and I'll tell you something else, Mean Gene!".
Drastic action was required to ensure that the patient resumed more civilised conduct. The surgeon consulted the existing beardosectomy handbook and opted to experiment with the controversial 'victorian gentleman' sub phase:
This sub-phase proved to be the correct step for the surgeon. The patient was sufficiently calmed and started to repeatedly murmur the phrases "jolly good, old chap", "hear, hear" and "anyone for a spot of croquet?".
At this point though distaster struck, as it became clear that a minor slip of the Gillette Fusion Power razor attachment had occured, which resulted in a potentially life-threatening shaving cut:
Working tirelessly, the dedicated team of surgeons used their skilled hands to stem the massive blood loss by using a tried and trusted technique known as 'blotting the bastard with bog roll'. This proved adequate to stop the bleed and prevent the need for a transfusion.
With the shaving cut attended, and the patient's mood now stable, phase 2 (the Magnum P.I) was completed quickly and with no further complications:
With the operation nearing completion, the surgeons began work on the final stage, phase 3 (the Hitler/Chaplin). The results of this phase can often be volatile, with the patient sometimes experiencing bouts of charming tomfoolery (the Chaplin) or alternatively, a disturbing display of fascist dictatorship tendency syndrome (FDTS aka the Hitler). During this phase, the surgeons were unclear as to which phase 3 outcome was presented by the patient. We have opted to allow the readers of this British Medical Journal entry to determine for themselves:
With the patient having undergone this traumatic operation for nearly 15 minutes, the procedure required a speedy conclusion. Fortunately, the steady nerves of those in attendance were able to wrap up proceedings with a tidy and efficient final piece of surgery:
With the cooling post shave moisturiser applied liberally and the beardosectomy procedure proving to be a complete success, the patient has since entered into full recovery and has donated several pounds to the campaign for beard awareness. He has however stated that he can't be confident that his face furniture won't return someday soon .