Now that the wheels of life are beginning to turn again, you have probably headed back to the land of gainful employment and are readjusting to a more mundane routine. You might also be feeling a bit on the podgy side and have decided to embark on some sort of a weight loss plan, be it through dieting, a exercise regime, or via an ill-advised makeshift stomach stapling procedure involving stolen office stationery.....
Whatever your method, if you are about to embark on a healthy living plan in the early days of this new year, I say to you...STOP!
Look around you. Your home will no doubt still be littered with the delicious festive sweets and treats that have accumulated in your home during the Christmas period.
We've all been there. It's the new year, and you want to start getting healthy, but there's still too much food around! So you tell yourself "I'll eat this lot then I'll get on with living the dream of a healthy lifestyle".
Trouble is, the food supply is seemingly inexhaustible, and you find yourself sitting on your sofa on a Friday night in Mid January, eating a leftover box of mince pies whilst watching old Christmas movies instead of being out running ultra marathons in the Arctic Tundra.
There is but one solution......
You must literally eat every last morsel of leftover Christmas food as soon as humanly possible or you will not truly be able to move forward with your personal improvement overhaul. You could just throw everything away, but let's be honest - we're in a time of economic crisis and that sort of waste is inexcusable! You could give it away, but as everything is probably already open and half eaten, or close to its sell by date, it's unlikely to be accepted - so satisfy your conscience with a charitable donation and simply get on with the business of necking the lot.
If this is the path you choose to take, I would encourage you to follow my patented Consume Everything In Sight Plan - CEISP, otherwise known as stage 1 of the 'Fat Bastard Exorcism Program'.
The first step of your CEISP(c) is to catalogue all of your 'surviving Christmas food stuffs' (SCFs) so that you can calculate the total 'consumption difficulty level' (CDL) of your stockpile of leftover Christmassy goodness. Generally, these will be those things that have a long shelf life, rather than the many meat based products that will have long since become inedible.
The following is a guide to cataloguing your SCFs:
1. Christmas Cake
Often used for the purpose of bludgeoning men to death, the sheer weight of a Christmas Cake should be enough to tell you that it is packing some serious badness. It's main constituents are icing, err...cake, and usually about half a bottle of rum, whiskey or some other suitable alcoholic spirit. As eating an entire Christmas cake in one go will probably result in death, it must be integrated into your plan and consumed on a gradual basis.
Consumption Difficulty Level (CDL): Per slice - 5
Beer. The unadulterated king of liquid calories. Lets face it, you're always going to have some beer stocked in the fridge, but having two spare leftover Christmas cases is asking for trouble for anyone wishing to embark on a weight loss program. Again, the consumption of this should be integrated into your plan to avoid death by bloating.
Consumption Difficulty Level: Per can - 3/bottle - 2.5/ale - 3.5
3. Assorted Savoury Snacks
Typically, these will include some, or all of the following:
- Crisp multi-packs (i.e. quavers, walkers etc..)
- Salted Peanuts
- Bombay Mix
Consumption Difficulty Level: Per packet/large handful - 2
Aah, Fromage, Formaggio, Cheeeeeeese! Hats off to the person who first left a jug of milk out for too long and inadvertently created this wonderfully pongy snack. As the eponymous hero of the almighty Cheese-Board, it is a truly wonderful addition to the list of your SCFs. Trouble is, it's another one that tends to hang around for a while after Christmas due to its long shelf life and results in numerous mini cheeseboards being created every time you enter the kitchen area. It is not advisable to eat entire blocks of cheese in one sitting because:
a) If you're lactose intolerant, prepare for a tsunami of alien matter to be ejected from every orifice of your body
b) You will suffer from nightmares that will be more terrifying than a night spent in the company of Pennywise the Dancing Clown.
Consumption Difficulty Level: Per generous slice - 4
5. Jars of things
'Jars of things' are another danger to the good intentions of a person recovering from the excesses of Christmas. 'Jars of things' fall roughly into two categories:
- Pickled things - Consumption Difficulty Level: per good helping - 3.5
- Jams & Chutneys - Consumption Difficulty Level: per good helping - 3
The presence of pickled things also has a habit of inspiring you to create entire micro meals from your SCFs. It is for instance, nearly impossible to eat a single pickled onion without subsequently finding yourself unwittingly creating a plate full of crackers, cheeses and grapes and of course about half a dozen further pickled onions to boot. In a further unavoidable twist of fate, the moment that you have finished your pickle inspired snack, you will be required to indulge in a pudding, or sweet, thus encouraging you to continue to raid your stocks of SCFs.
6. Chocolatey treats
Chocolatey treats are generally the most abundant SCFs - largely because you will have received a large supply in the form of gifts from other people (the bastards!) to compliment the stockpile that you have already amassed yourself. Like being in possession of a plentiful supply of class-A narcotics, you will never truly be able to turn over a new leaf until you have scoffed the lot. The enemy is varied and numerous:
- Quality Street
- After Eights
- Ferrero Roche
- Guylian Seashells
Consumption Difficulty Level: per individual treat - 0.25
Usually less numerous in quantity than chocolaty treats but equally as varied, sweeties are usually of a fruity or sour nature. Sweeties are normally bought for the kids, but inevitably become the object of desire for scavenging adults during the Christmas period. Sweeties are also often bought in giant plastic tubs, ensuring that there is normally a reasonably large supply that makes it to the new year and beyond. Fairly easy to consume and not naturally fitting into a larger snack, sweeties are probably the most harmless SCFs, but nevertheless must be consumed along with the rest.
Consumption Difficulty Level: per handful - 1
8. Mince Pies
You might not like them all that much, many don't - but you will almost certainly have a couple of packets of mince pies knocking about. As it is illegal in most countries to eat a mince pie between the dates of Jan 6th - Dec 1st, you need to get these necked, sharpish like!
Consumption Difficulty Level: per pie - 3
With the SCFs catalogued, you will now need to make a list and jot down the consumption difficulty levels (CDL) as mentioned above. Here's an example:
This particular list has a whopping Total Consumption Difficulty Level of 388! Actual medical experts have compiled the following 'danger chart' based on the Consumption Difficulty Level scale, which suggests that consuming over 80 CDLs in one sitting will result in a negative impact on your general wellness, and that if you were attempt to finish off the entire list of 388 CDLs shown above, you'd be shuffling off this mortal coil before you could digest your last pickled onion:
So basically, if you're going to conduct your CEISP safely, you're going to need a carefully devised daily gluttony plan. Here comes the hard sell:
Using my patented CEISP optimum snacking formula, and for a one off payment of £39.99, I'll help you through this tough time by providing you with the following:
- Your own personalised 2 week CEISP post christmas meal plan.
- 3 daily text messages of encouragement (e.g. "Go on, have another bag of quavers, you know you want to") during your programme.
- A signed poster of Rick Waller
- 24 hour access to the Live chat forums where you can discuss whether or not to eat that last ferrero roche with other registered PHLPCEISPers.
- A full money back guarantee if you don't pile on the weight that you eventually want to lose.
Here are some testimonies from successful CEISPers:
"With the CEISP, I was able to eat all 17 jars of my homemade picked duck's eggs within 2 weeks, and gained the 13lbs I will be trying to lose next month!" Boris Netharegiane (48), Swansea, Wales
"Using the CEISP, I gained nearly 21lbs in two weeks by practically living on Blue Stilton and After Eight mints. Now I can start my exercise regime at last! Janice Meatsweate (37), Nottingham, England
"The CEISP helped me to demolish my stocks of surviving christmas foodstuffs and finally break a cycle of snacking that started with a box of Mint Matchmakers in 1983, and has now pushed me towards considering signing up to my local gym. Vestan Pance (56), Buckinghamshire, England
"Don't delay. Register today to begin your journey towards considering embarking upon a journey towards a healthy lifestyle!"
* Please note that providing any bank details may initiate the process of a large cash sum being transferred from your bank account to a Nigerian Banking institution of questionable legal and moral ethics. You also may never actually receive any of the described items - except for the Rick Waller poster. You'll definitely get that.