Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Choc-Finger

What I am about to tell you is not a new story, but it is one that has been largely removed from public attention - most probably due to the sheer panic that would be caused. As such, you may not be aware of it and I feel compelled to spread the word.

Now, you've all probably seen a James Bond film at some point. Perhaps you've mocked the pantomime villains and scoffed at their convoluted schemes of world domination.



You will surely have been comfortable in the knowledge that it is all merely a work of fiction.....That is until now!

Last year a dastardly plot was uncovered documenting one man's effort to join the ranks of the maniacal Bond villains.

What was the dastardly scheme of this scoundrel you ask? Only a trivial little matter of........

****cue dramatic pause****

Stealing the world's supply of chocolate!!!!!

*****cue evil laughter*******

But who would perpetrate such a heinous scheme? Show me the face of this vile rogue, I hear you cry:

NAME: Anthony Ward

A.K.A - Chocolate-Finger (seriously!)

'LEGITIMATE' BUSINESS:
Armajaro Holdings (CC+ Hedge Fund Manager)

DASTARDLY SCHEME:
To steal the world's supply of chocolate



The Plot


Anthony 'Chocolate-Finger' Ward had been slowly putting his plan together over the course of twelve years. Up until last year, his strategy seemed quite 'flaky', with several large trading losses incurred. However, there was a growing 'wispa' amongst the trading community that his plans for domination were about to get set for a 'boost'. Apparently, no amount of 'riesen' would have dissuaded 'Chocolate-Finger' from doing what he did next.

In July 2010, he bought 241,000 tonnes of cocoa beans at a total cost of £658 million.

Chris Skinner, chairman of the Financial Services Club said this represented "the whole supply of Europe's cocoa" - enough to fill "five Titanics"

This is enough cocoa to produce a whopping 5.3 billion chocolate bars - or put another way, enough to feed Vanessa Feltz for an entire week.

So what sort of a man plots to capture the World's supply of chocolate? In short, greedy bastards.

When I say greedy bastard, I don't mean that 'Chocolate-Finger' is literally going to produce and eat all of the chocolate in Europe himself. No, he is merely going to store the cocoa beans in an unspecified location until such a time as he can sell them for profit. Or is he?

I've considered this motive and come to the conclusion that everything may not appear to be as it seems. It is true that Choc-Finger (as I shall now call him), may attempt to manipulate the soft commodity market to amass a small fortune. But he is already ridiculously wealthy anyway, so why should he care?

The Real Truth!

If at this point you are starting to question Choc-Finger's bond villain credentials and you think that he is, as he would have you believe, just a greedy speculator, I have compiled the following evidence to eliminate all doubt you may have of his Bond villainy:

The footage is from a very rare interview with the 'master of the malteser' himself.

Bond Villain Checklist

1) A Bond Villain must possess the means to imprison all us in a global web of fear, lies, deceit and, er, chocolate:




2) All forward thinking Bond villains must also have access to top scientists and scientific resources such as 'global weather stations' (which as we all know, usually turn out to be disguised missile launch sites):



3) Any self-respecting Bond villain will usually have one of those cool table top maps of the world - probably located in a underground bunker somewhere! (n.b - i make no apologies for repeating this clip to add dramatic emphasis and to highlight his unusually evil sounding voice):



4) Finally, Bond villains must belong to organisations that have scary looking logos:




EXHIBIT 1: Dr No - SPECTRE


EXHIBIT 2: Auric Goldfinger - Auric Enterprises



EXHIBIT 3: Anthony 'Chocolate-Finger' Ward - Armajaro Holdings Ltd

(n.b - quite odd how similar the Armajaro logo is to that of Auric Enterprises, don't you think?)

Convinced? Yeah, I thought you might be!

So, like all villains, we can assume that Choc-Finger has an insatiable appetite for power (and mars bars probably). This appetite can be temporarily appeased through the acquisition of material wealth, but it is no substitute for real power - namely the ability to strike fear into the hearts of your fellow man.

In this case, the man who owns the world's supply of cocoa, can hold chocolate lovers of the world to ransom.

A popular conspiracy is that powerful individuals have previously used substance addiction to control and subjugate the masses to further their own interests. It is believed by some, that dark forces connected to the U.S government were responsible for crack-cocaine hitting the streets of U.S cities in the 1950s, in order to derail the momentum for change that was growing amongst African Americans:


So what better way to gain control over the masses than through the use of the world's most widely used addictive substance...Chocolate!

It is my theory that Choc-Finger will begin to amass an army of chocoholics who will be totally subservient to him and him alone. He will no doubt maintain control of his army by using a promise of the occasional dairy-milk.

This army will be spearheaded by a phalanx of unstoppable, relentless PMS suffering women who without chocolate to calm their hormonal rage, will literally tear the heads off their enemies and eat them for breakfast.
















With his army established Chocolate-Finger will seek to crush the nations of this world one by one.



"Join me, and together we will eat all the galaxies".






Now for an uncharacteristically serious bit


Armies of chocoholics and world domination aside, Anthony 'Chocolate-finger' Ward is one of many of the world's wealthy speculators who are indirectly contributing to increasing levels of global poverty. This wholesale manipulation of global commodity markets result in increasingly erratic patterns in global food prices.

Even the farmers of cocoa who may initially benefit from these price spikes are ultimately worse off due to the parallel rises in the price of food in their country. They will become worse off still when the speculators dump their stock and their crop prices plummet.

"Cocoa farmers are in a precarious situation when one or two speculators can hold their futures in their hands", says Harriet Lamb, Executive Director of the Fairtrade Foundation. "The wild fluctuations in the cocoa market make life extremely unstable for farmers. It is very difficult for them to build their organisations and plan their lives," say Harriet. "In our experience, whatever the current upturn in prices, little will go back to the farmers who could soon be once again at the mercy of low prices".

Worryingly, Choc-Finger has signalled his belief that our planet's very 'life-blood' may be the next big commodity market due to decreasing supply and an increasing global population. Alarming to say the least:




On a final note, i would like to make a plea to Mr Ward himself:

Choc-Finger. If you're reading this (and I would imagine that your international network of spies will inform you of its existence), I'd like to ask you to re-consider your plans for world domination.

Lets face it. You are obviously already very wealthy. You surely can't need to make any more money! Why don't you use your powers for good purposes? Here's an idea for you:

You could open a factory and use your cocoa beans to make free chocolate for the world. You could employ a labour force of orange faced dwarfs who like to sing a lot and are generally very productive. I believe that such people are happy to be paid in the cocoa beans themselves, so you'd save a fortune in salary costs!

You could increase your philanthropy by having an occasional 'prize-draw' involving golden tickets. Winners of such a competition could potentially get a free day-tour of your factory and compete for a life-time supply of chocolate. What do you think?

Whatever you decide to do, please try to think of others and put own your selfish impulses aside. You could do so much good in this world if only you'd change your wicked ways.

And if you won't listen to me, i think I know someone who might be able to convince you.......



and if that didn't work, well........



Let's be honest, I couldn't really finish this post without........

Given that Chocolate-Finger has clearly sealed his place amongst the likes of Ernst Blofeld, Dr No, Auric Goldfinger and other notable Bond Villains, I would like to make some suggestions for upcoming Bond movies:
  • YOU ONLY LIVE TWIX
  • DIMEBARS ARE FOREVER
  • A VIEW TO A KIT-KAT
  • THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN CRUMBLE
  • MARS-RAKER
I'll get my coat..........

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